Saturday, January 21, 2017

Odd thing happened to me last week....

So, I'm working in my cooler, as I usually try to stay in there to keep my sanity, and my husband comes in and tells me that my former best friend is in the store with her mother and was asking about me.  Now, my first thought was, I'm not leaving this cooler until I know she is gone.  And indeed, I didn't leave it until I had to clock out to go home.  Of course, this also happened to be on a day that we desperately needed some groceries and cat food, so leaving the store immediately was not an option.  That left me open and vulnerable to any unwanted awkward social experiences.  My husband got irritated with me, which made it worse for me.  It's not that I was afraid to talk to her, she's not a tornado or lightning, so there's no fear there.  I was confused about my feelings, to be honest.  I was looking over my shoulder the entire time, until we got into our vehicle and drove home.  I tried to keep my composure, and managed to get everything put away before I made a bee-line for my bedroom.  My husband, sweet as he can be, was baffled by my behavior, and apologized for getting grumpy with me in the store.  And then I broke down.  He asked what was wrong, and I couldn't form an answer.  Finally, I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling.  Then it hit me.  I was feeling ANGER.  Red-hot ANGER.  I didn't want to see her or be exposed to her, because I was angry with her. 

I know, in my heart, that she didn't ask about me because SHE wanted to, but rather because her MOTHER most likely told her she should.  You see, her mother is a devout Catholic, just an unbelievably kind soul, and she is the one who loves to shop at Walmart and those other "slummin'" stores, so that's the reason they were even IN the store in the first place.  And it was probably her mother that said to her, "Oh honey, how is Deanna?" and my former chum had no idea how to answer.  They probably vowed to pray for me. 

So, where does the anger come from?  Well, I've thought long and hard about it.  I tried to explain it this way.  I feel that if I was on my death bed, she'd be by my side until I died, giving me all the attention I needed over the years, packed into whatever short time I had left.  I've seen that happen.  A mutual friend of ours passed away a few years ago, thanks to cancer.  A beautiful soul taken much too soon, someone who gave and gave and gave... did for others ALL the time, and never got the same back.  She also had a best friend that dumped her for "better".  And that former bestie suddenly had all the time in the world for her - when her life was fading.  Where was she though, for all those years that our mutual friend needed her in other times?  How could someone throw away a friend like an old tea cup, only to suddenly see it again and try to use it once it becomes a novelty or antique? 

Oddly enough, my former best friend threw me away for our mutual lovely friend's former bestie.  Now those two are BFFs. 

So, in my mind, it only stands to reason that I have to be literally on my death bed for my FBFF to notice me again, and therein lies the anger.  It's not that she cares again, but more that she probably feels guilty and/or hopes the doting and attention will get her a one-way ticket through the Pearly Gates.

I'd love to be proven wrong, but... history, ya know?