The Move

 I made the big decision in June 2023 to sell my house of 29 years.  Normally, I get these impulsive ideas and obsess over them for a couple of weeks, but never follow through because of the uncertainty and work involved in them.  

Not this time.  I DID it.  I sold my home and bought a fixer-upper in the country on a lake.  Not the original one I wanted with 10 acres, but a bigger one that is actually lakefront and just over an acre and a half.  It has been quite an undertaking, to say the least.  This house needs a LOT of work, most of which we couldn't see during walk-throughs and inspection.  

To be, or not to be.... single

 Being alone for a couple of years now has taught me many things. I always knew I could make it on my own. I don't need a man in my life. Even when I did have a man, I did everything on my own, so it's not much of a change for me.

Now I believe I could be ready for a relationship, but do I really want one? Hard question to answer, honestly. I like my alone time. I like being able to talk to whomever I want, to hang out with whomever I want and to not have to deal with anyone at all if I so choose.  

I don't want a perfect Rom-com relationship. I want a healthy relationship. One that doesn't leave me feeling lonely when I'm sitting right next to my partner. A relationship that doesn't leave me wondering if I matter, if I am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or just plain enough. I want someone with whom I can share experiences, dreams, feelings and quiet moments. Someone who likes to go do stuff with me, and also is fine with sitting on the couch watching TV. I don't care about money, looks, sexual prowess, or stuff he has. I just want someone that treats me well.

Most guys I've dealt with over the past couple of years want to jump in the sack immediately, but I am no booty call. There have been many younger men, some older men, men of all types and races. Some have had ways of talking that I can't get past, some have had manners, or a lack of, that I don't care to be around for extended periods of time. Some have been good friends that had potential, but don't pass the red flag tests. Some don't respect my boundaries, or believe they can talk to me however they want to like they are some sex gods, thinking that I enjoy constant sexual references and lewd comments. My sense of humor is pretty raunchy, but if someone wants to seriously be in a relationship with me, bringing up sex in a vulgar way is not the way to get me to want him more. It has the exact opposite effect. While I don't easily get offended, I do find it's a huge turn-off for me.

I express my vulnerability very openly in long conversations, what I like and don't like, and am honest about my feelings. Some people get it, and some don't. I'm tired of explaining myself to guys that refuse to actually listen. There are some that claim "love" in one sentence and then turn around and completely blaspheme the word with the garbage that comes out in the next sentence. I love easily, but I refuse to give my heart to someone that makes me feel guilty for sharing my thoughts honestly.

I gave too much before, I put my heart in someone's hand, and it was crushed with no thought at all, like an egg under a rock. I have learned to protect my heart. It is hidden away, behind bars deep in the dungeons of my being. Someone out there must have the key, but I don't know who he is, or if I even want to know.

Have I lost my mind?

 Maybe?  Or possibly I finally found it.

Today, I decided to sell my house.  I've lived in the same beautiful, affluent, gated community for 29 years.  My first husband and I closed on this house on the due date for my first child's birth, and moved during the next week after, and then one week after closing, I gave birth to our son.   I brought home all 3 of our children to this house, raised them all to adulthood in this house.  I've been through three husbands in this house.  I've worked 2 jobs and struggled to keep this house.  I filed bankruptcy to keep this house so that my kids never had to be moved out of the only home they had known.  

And now, the kids are all grown and in their own places, and the last husband is gone.  It's just me, the 2 dogs and the 6 cats.  I don't need a 4 bedroom home in a neighborhood that I don't enjoy any more.  It's too expensive to keep.  

I found a cute little cabin style home not toooo far away that has 10 acres and is beautiful.  That is where I want to be.  In the woods, with my animals, with no neighbors 20 feet away to wave at when I get my mail or try to avoid when I have to mow the grass.  I'll be able to see the stars, enjoy the quiet of nature, and be free of a mortgage.  

I contacted a realty agent about selling my home and contacted the agent for the other home with 10 acres to set up an appointment for a viewing for this weekend.

Yeah. I think it's time to move on and have that fresh start somewhere new.  I am ready.  

Stress, anxiety, and anniversaries

 So, as you could probably assume over  the past year, I have  had some stress and anxiety due to my husband of 10 years leaving me for whatever he left for.  I do not know or care what his REAL reasons are or were, I just know that it was what was best for him at the time and that it benefitted both of us in the end,  Financially, it really hurt me, not him.  For the first 7 years of our relationship, I carried the financial burden on top of the household and every other burden.  He worked and came home and played his games and I did all of everything else for him, my kids, and the household.  I worked, for a few years I worked 2 jobs, got almost no sleep, and did everything for everyone in the household and   got taken for granted for a very long time.  That is the past, and I don't particularly care to discuss that other than to lay ground work or give facts that happened during that time.  

The kids grew up, moved out and it was just he and I.  He got a better job, making almost 3 times what I made and I guess he didn't need me any more.  There was greener grass, and I do not blame him for gravitating toward it.  I always knew  it would happen.  I am happy for him, and I only wish the very best for him.  Am I resentful?  A tiny bit of me is, because I stood by him during our darkest and hardest  times, and when we made it through to the other side when there was nothing but us to worry about, he packed up and ran.  He didn't NEED me any more.  It, at the time, was a slap in the face.  I've come to terms with it, and I am thankful he left, because I never would have left  him.  As a result, I would have continued to  be unhappy even though I told myself I was happy then. 

Now, I am thriving, in spite of everything I have been through.  I HATE having a room mate because I need one to  keep my house and still have money to live. Don't get me wrong, my roommate is a good one, I just am MUCH happier living alone.   I am in a good place with my job, which I never  would be in because I didn't allow  myself to be  promoted while I was with him.  I have made new friends and reconnected with old friends that I couldn't before because of jealousy that was not warranted.  I am finally living life, regardless of the circumstances and I am thriving because of that.  I am grateful.

Last November, my first husband asked me to a comedy show and I said what the hell and I went.  Since then, we have hung out together many times- even went on a short cruise-  had some really good conversations, a lot of fun, and reconnected really well as friends.  We spent almost 20 years as strangers, so this was a bit of a welcome surprise and quite unexpected for me.

Today, we had dinner  and spent the evening just hanging out and talking.  Today, May 12, was the date of what would have been our 33rd anniversary if we were still married. I don't know if he had that in mind at all, and I didn't ask about it.  I did at one point say "happy anniversary" and honestly, I don't remember if  he responded.  All I know is that I am happy to have him back as my friend, because I never stopped loving him even though I ended our marriage because of what I needed back then, and I am  glad to have him back in my life, even as only a friend.  

I am happy.  Anxious, yes.  Stressed over money sometimes, yes.  But happy with my life NOW, yes.  I have gone outside of my comfort zone, and I am doing different things and experiencing things in a new light.  Am I scared?  Nope.  I am looking forward to every single challenge that will be thrown my way, because I am weakless.

So, how have you been, Deanna?

 In February of last year, I was suicidal.  I let one person - or the lack of one person - bring me to my knees in a way that I have never let anyone before.  My world was crumbling.  I gave this one person too much power, too strong of a hold on me.  I loved this person more than I loved myself, and that love almost destroyed me.  I felt worthless, unloved, and broken.  I sat by myself in the dark, holding a bottle of pills to my chest for many days and nights.  I stopped eating, was severely dehydrated, and physically weak. I struggled to hide my intense sadness and longing.  I suddenly felt how I imagine Gollum when he lost his "Precious".  I felt incomplete.

My grown children saved me from drowning in my misery and were my greatest support during those very dark days.

One day, I woke up out of my own madness and found a profound sense of clarity.  I've known all along my worth as a woman and as a partner.  The only thing I had been lacking was a love for MYSELF.  The revelation was quite electric in my mind.  It's like waking up from a deep, troubled sleep to the most beautiful morning sunrise and realizing that my past few months were nothing but a horrible recurring dream.  

I began to work on loving myself.  I learn to respect myself.  I vowed to NEVER let anyone else make me feel "less than" ever again.  I dove head-first into growing into a human being that radiates everything that I find wonderful in other people.  Positivity, love, passion, playfulness, and kindness are all traits that I want to possess and exude.  I don't want to be perfect; I want to be inexcusably ME.  My life up until that point had been spent in dwelling on the negative, steeping in jealousy, mistrust, hatred, and lack for far too long, and it has been utterly exhausting.

I am no longer choosing anyone else over myself.  I choose ME and my own happiness.  I do not need another person to complete me.  I am a whole and complete person on my own.  I have learned a great deal over the past year, and the old version of me is gone.  She is but a memory that I will not forget, but rather give thanks to, for she opened the door to my newfound view on my life and how I want to live it.

I have forgiven others for wrongs I perceived against me.  More importantly, I have forgiven myself.  I have let go of the past.  I have learned from my mistakes, and I have moved on.  While I still love that person who left, I have learned that letting go of that old relationship that was not serving either one of us has released me into a wild and untamed new world where I can create my own reality and be my own true self.  I am free for the first time in my entire 52 years of living.  This freedom has given me the opportunity to learn new things, go to new places, meet new people, forge new friendships, rekindle lost friendships, tackle new challenges, and pursue new passions.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone like never before, and it is exhilarating.  

I live each day in the present, with gratitude, love, and mindfulness.  I am no longer angry, negative, hateful, or resentful.  I am, and will always be, a work in progress for the better.  I am radiant like the sun.  My life is absolutely wonderful.  I am happy, and this is only the beginning.

Odd thing happened to me last week....

So, I'm working in my cooler, as I usually try to stay in there to keep my sanity, and my husband comes in and tells me that my former best friend is in the store with her mother and was asking about me.  Now, my first thought was, I'm not leaving this cooler until I know she is gone.  And indeed, I didn't leave it until I had to clock out to go home.  Of course, this also happened to be on a day that we desperately needed some groceries and cat food, so leaving the store immediately was not an option.  That left me open and vulnerable to any unwanted awkward social experiences.  My husband got irritated with me, which made it worse for me.  It's not that I was afraid to talk to her, she's not a tornado or lightning, so there's no fear there.  I was confused about my feelings, to be honest.  I was looking over my shoulder the entire time, until we got into our vehicle and drove home.  I tried to keep my composure, and managed to get everything put away before I made a bee-line for my bedroom.  My husband, sweet as he can be, was baffled by my behavior, and apologized for getting grumpy with me in the store.  And then I broke down.  He asked what was wrong, and I couldn't form an answer.  Finally, I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling.  Then it hit me.  I was feeling ANGER.  Red-hot ANGER.  I didn't want to see her or be exposed to her, because I was angry with her. 

I know, in my heart, that she didn't ask about me because SHE wanted to, but rather because her MOTHER most likely told her she should.  You see, her mother is a devout Catholic, just an unbelievably kind soul, and she is the one who loves to shop at Walmart and those other "slummin'" stores, so that's the reason they were even IN the store in the first place.  And it was probably her mother that said to her, "Oh honey, how is Deanna?" and my former chum had no idea how to answer.  They probably vowed to pray for me. 

So, where does the anger come from?  Well, I've thought long and hard about it.  I tried to explain it this way.  I feel that if I was on my death bed, she'd be by my side until I died, giving me all the attention I needed over the years, packed into whatever short time I had left.  I've seen that happen.  A mutual friend of ours passed away a few years ago, thanks to cancer.  A beautiful soul taken much too soon, someone who gave and gave and gave... did for others ALL the time, and never got the same back.  She also had a best friend that dumped her for "better".  And that former bestie suddenly had all the time in the world for her - when her life was fading.  Where was she though, for all those years that our mutual friend needed her in other times?  How could someone throw away a friend like an old tea cup, only to suddenly see it again and try to use it once it becomes a novelty or antique? 

Oddly enough, my former best friend threw me away for our mutual lovely friend's former bestie.  Now those two are BFFs. 

So, in my mind, it only stands to reason that I have to be literally on my death bed for my FBFF to notice me again, and therein lies the anger.  It's not that she cares again, but more that she probably feels guilty and/or hopes the doting and attention will get her a one-way ticket through the Pearly Gates.

I'd love to be proven wrong, but... history, ya know?

Motivation, lack of it, too much of it....

Mind, make up your... well, MIND already!

I am constantly in a state of flux, where I cannot get motivated, when just 5 minutes prior, I was ready and rarin' to go.  I find myself  obsessing about doing things, then when I decide to do said things, I just sit there or stand there and stare and can't bring myself to DO those things.  And if I do manage to get started on them, I run out of supplies, steam, whatever, and end up with yet another half-done project, chore, what-have-you.  I lay awake at night now, and my mind is running like crazy with ideas and things to do, yet I never get anything done.

So there I sit, perusing Facebook for cat videos, or in today's case, Halloween prop photos from my haunter friends.... for inspiration and maybe a kick in the behind for some motivation.  I know I'm also using the fact that my husband is taking a nap since he got home from work at 2 am, so I want to be quiet - but I have several things I could be doing rather than being quiet. 

I'm hoping that by sitting down here in front of my laptop, and blogging for a bit and getting some things out while they're floating in my head, that I will feel some relief from the crazy nonsense building in my head and just go out there and do SOMETHING, even if it's washing a dish or taking the garbage out.  Something is better than the NOTHING that I've been doing today.