Have I lost my mind?

 Maybe?  Or possibly I finally found it.

Today, I decided to sell my house.  I've lived in the same beautiful, affluent, gated community for 29 years.  My first husband and I closed on this house on the due date for my first child's birth, and moved during the next week after, and then one week after closing, I gave birth to our son.   I brought home all 3 of our children to this house, raised them all to adulthood in this house.  I've been through three husbands in this house.  I've worked 2 jobs and struggled to keep this house.  I filed bankruptcy to keep this house so that my kids never had to be moved out of the only home they had known.  

And now, the kids are all grown and in their own places, and the last husband is gone.  It's just me, the 2 dogs and the 6 cats.  I don't need a 4 bedroom home in a neighborhood that I don't enjoy any more.  It's too expensive to keep.  

I found a cute little cabin style home not toooo far away that has 10 acres and is beautiful.  That is where I want to be.  In the woods, with my animals, with no neighbors 20 feet away to wave at when I get my mail or try to avoid when I have to mow the grass.  I'll be able to see the stars, enjoy the quiet of nature, and be free of a mortgage.  

I contacted a realty agent about selling my home and contacted the agent for the other home with 10 acres to set up an appointment for a viewing for this weekend.

Yeah. I think it's time to move on and have that fresh start somewhere new.  I am ready.  

Stress, anxiety, and anniversaries

 So, as you could probably assume over  the past year, I have  had some stress and anxiety due to my husband of 10 years leaving me for whatever he left for.  I do not know or care what his REAL reasons are or were, I just know that it was what was best for him at the time and that it benefitted both of us in the end,  Financially, it really hurt me, not him.  For the first 7 years of our relationship, I carried the financial burden on top of the household and every other burden.  He worked and came home and played his games and I did all of everything else for him, my kids, and the household.  I worked, for a few years I worked 2 jobs, got almost no sleep, and did everything for everyone in the household and   got taken for granted for a very long time.  That is the past, and I don't particularly care to discuss that other than to lay ground work or give facts that happened during that time.  

The kids grew up, moved out and it was just he and I.  He got a better job, making almost 3 times what I made and I guess he didn't need me any more.  There was greener grass, and I do not blame him for gravitating toward it.  I always knew  it would happen.  I am happy for him, and I only wish the very best for him.  Am I resentful?  A tiny bit of me is, because I stood by him during our darkest and hardest  times, and when we made it through to the other side when there was nothing but us to worry about, he packed up and ran.  He didn't NEED me any more.  It, at the time, was a slap in the face.  I've come to terms with it, and I am thankful he left, because I never would have left  him.  As a result, I would have continued to  be unhappy even though I told myself I was happy then. 

Now, I am thriving, in spite of everything I have been through.  I HATE having a room mate because I need one to  keep my house and still have money to live. Don't get me wrong, my roommate is a good one, I just am MUCH happier living alone.   I am in a good place with my job, which I never  would be in because I didn't allow  myself to be  promoted while I was with him.  I have made new friends and reconnected with old friends that I couldn't before because of jealousy that was not warranted.  I am finally living life, regardless of the circumstances and I am thriving because of that.  I am grateful.

Last November, my first husband asked me to a comedy show and I said what the hell and I went.  Since then, we have hung out together many times- even went on a short cruise-  had some really good conversations, a lot of fun, and reconnected really well as friends.  We spent almost 20 years as strangers, so this was a bit of a welcome surprise and quite unexpected for me.

Today, we had dinner  and spent the evening just hanging out and talking.  Today, May 12, was the date of what would have been our 33rd anniversary if we were still married. I don't know if he had that in mind at all, and I didn't ask about it.  I did at one point say "happy anniversary" and honestly, I don't remember if  he responded.  All I know is that I am happy to have him back as my friend, because I never stopped loving him even though I ended our marriage because of what I needed back then, and I am  glad to have him back in my life, even as only a friend.  

I am happy.  Anxious, yes.  Stressed over money sometimes, yes.  But happy with my life NOW, yes.  I have gone outside of my comfort zone, and I am doing different things and experiencing things in a new light.  Am I scared?  Nope.  I am looking forward to every single challenge that will be thrown my way, because I am weakless.

So, how have you been, Deanna?

 In February of last year, I was suicidal.  I let one person - or the lack of one person - bring me to my knees in a way that I have never let anyone before.  My world was crumbling.  I gave this one person too much power, too strong of a hold on me.  I loved this person more than I loved myself, and that love almost destroyed me.  I felt worthless, unloved, and broken.  I sat by myself in the dark, holding a bottle of pills to my chest for many days and nights.  I stopped eating, was severely dehydrated, and physically weak. I struggled to hide my intense sadness and longing.  I suddenly felt how I imagine Gollum when he lost his "Precious".  I felt incomplete.

My grown children saved me from drowning in my misery and were my greatest support during those very dark days.

One day, I woke up out of my own madness and found a profound sense of clarity.  I've known all along my worth as a woman and as a partner.  The only thing I had been lacking was a love for MYSELF.  The revelation was quite electric in my mind.  It's like waking up from a deep, troubled sleep to the most beautiful morning sunrise and realizing that my past few months were nothing but a horrible recurring dream.  

I began to work on loving myself.  I learn to respect myself.  I vowed to NEVER let anyone else make me feel "less than" ever again.  I dove head-first into growing into a human being that radiates everything that I find wonderful in other people.  Positivity, love, passion, playfulness, and kindness are all traits that I want to possess and exude.  I don't want to be perfect; I want to be inexcusably ME.  My life up until that point had been spent in dwelling on the negative, steeping in jealousy, mistrust, hatred, and lack for far too long, and it has been utterly exhausting.

I am no longer choosing anyone else over myself.  I choose ME and my own happiness.  I do not need another person to complete me.  I am a whole and complete person on my own.  I have learned a great deal over the past year, and the old version of me is gone.  She is but a memory that I will not forget, but rather give thanks to, for she opened the door to my newfound view on my life and how I want to live it.

I have forgiven others for wrongs I perceived against me.  More importantly, I have forgiven myself.  I have let go of the past.  I have learned from my mistakes, and I have moved on.  While I still love that person who left, I have learned that letting go of that old relationship that was not serving either one of us has released me into a wild and untamed new world where I can create my own reality and be my own true self.  I am free for the first time in my entire 52 years of living.  This freedom has given me the opportunity to learn new things, go to new places, meet new people, forge new friendships, rekindle lost friendships, tackle new challenges, and pursue new passions.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone like never before, and it is exhilarating.  

I live each day in the present, with gratitude, love, and mindfulness.  I am no longer angry, negative, hateful, or resentful.  I am, and will always be, a work in progress for the better.  I am radiant like the sun.  My life is absolutely wonderful.  I am happy, and this is only the beginning.