Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

The title just about sums it up.

I have spent most of my life living it pretty much one day at a time.  These days, I really am living it one hour at a time, maybe even minute by minute.  I waste so much time doing NOTHING at all.  I spend a good deal of time trying to find things to waste my time on.  I waste a lot of time worrying about stuff that I know I shouldn't worry about.  I spend a lot of time being angry about things I know I should not be angry about. I don't really bother making plans, because I know by the time the plans come around, I will have lost interest or just not feel like it, whatever "it" is.  I feel like I'm just lost in some sort of rut that I can't climb out of, no matter how much I want out of it, and it's all my own doing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly happy most of the time.  I just have moments where I realize just how much time I waste.

I really feel the loss of precious time during the month of October, as the days are crossed off the calendar way too quickly and the end of the month draws near.  I have boxes and boxes of Halloween stuff strewn all over my house that have been sitting here for a week.  I did manage to get through several of them with Tom's help, and I am really very thankful that he kind of gives me a little push and has helped me get some of it done - especially the gossamer which takes the most effort and time to do.  In October, the "it" is the annual party.  I vowed last year to NOT do the party this  year, and to take it easy.  Crazy me decided that this year is so different in so many ways, that maybe I SHOULD do the party, only smaller, simpler.  It's still a huge undertaking getting it all ready, even with help.

I spent a lot of time the past couple of weeks doing nothing (like just surfing Facebook) and watching TV (stuff I've seen over and over again) and even took up playing WoW (because I want to have something else to do with Tom).  Tom is a big reason I spend so little time getting things done, but it makes me happy to just sit next to him and do whatever it is that is keeping me from chores, hobbies, etc, and spending time by his side is NOT a waste of time to me.  I love to be with him, no matter what we're doing.

Now my weekend is almost over and I don't have a whole lot to show for having 2 nights off and especially for being on opposite sleep schedules as Tom.  My invitations for the party aren't done yet (but I'm working on them now - they're almost done- 10 days before the party).  I don't even know what my costume will be for the party.  But here I sit, on the computer, wasting more time, looking at Facebook profiles, occasionally walking around the house in circles, and eating peanut M&Ms... all the while patiently waiting for Tom to wake up.  Unfortunately, soon I will need to go to sleep too, so I can be a little rested for work tonight. 

So again, I  say "GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"  So much to do, so little time to do it, and so little motivation to do anything at all.  Gah.