Drowning, drowning, drowning....

Another week of job searching, another week of stress, another week of disappointment. 

Never heard back from the Call Center about the job for either Tom or me, so I'm guessing we didn't "wow" them.  I was hoping that having my foot poised right outside the door would at least help me get in there, but I was wrong.  The Cleaning Service lady never contacted me for an interview, so I'm assuming that one is a no too.  I did manage to get postal test appointments for myself and Tom for Monday, so there's a tiny bit of hope, but not much.  Every place I've applied has been a no-contact "we'll call you if we are interested" type thing.  Nobody accepts written applications anymore it seems.  I've spent hours and hours on this laptop, scouring job listings on every site I can find, applying to stuff I know I won't like or even get called for, just on the off-chance that SOMEONE out there will contact me.

Yesterday, I finally got in touch with my dad, only to be both humiliated and disappointed in the same 5 minute period.  It seems good ol' Dad has forgotten (probably due to being drunk at the time) that he and Lee had an agreement on the money that Dad still owed, so he thinks he is in the clear for that debt.  Lee told me that he told Dad to hold onto the $3500.00 that he owed to Lee in the event that I ever needed it, because apparently Lee knew I'd fail.  Of course, their conversation on this matter was 7 years ago, and Dad was, as usual, drunk/drinking.  On the other hand, Lee could have been lying to me just to see me look like a fool, he likes to watch me squirm, I guess it makes him feel more powerful.  Instead of offering to help me, Dad poor-mouthed about the new roof, blah blah blah.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he was bragging about all his money and stuff he has.  He did offer to give me the $300 bucks in his pocket, but I politely declined, told him I loved him, and got off the phone.  My pride has already suffered from calling him in the first place, I sure as hell wasn't going to take a pity handout - no matter how badly I need it - from someone that doesn't really seem to care about his flesh and blood like he does his step-son or the leeches that constantly suck the blood from him out at the garage.

All these years, I have never ONCE asked my dad for anything.  I never asked him to fix anything for me, never asked him to look at my car, never EVER asked him for money.  Occasionally I'd ask his opinion on something, or what the cause of something could be in terms of cars, but NEVER did I ask him to fix anything.  I took it to someone else to fix or did it myself, or just let it sit broken, whatever it is.  (My Suburban sat for 6 months in the driveway, unusable - just because it needed a new battery.  I couldn't afford that 80 bucks until I got my tax refund, THAT is how proud I am.)   I suppose I COULD have asked Dad for a loan, but I'm so scared he'll tell me he can't do it, and I simply can't take that sort of rejection from anyone else right now - especially knowing he loaned others money - and then told them don't worry about paying it back.  (So he bragged, he has a habit of bragging.)  I've never once NOT paid a friend or family member back if I ever HAD to borrow money, not a 5 buck loan for lunch because I forgot my debit card, not a $250 loan because I didn't have the money to keep my electricity from being shut off.  I don't want money to burn bridges and cause hard feelings, like it has with Lee and other people.  (He loaned money behind my back to an uncle of mine, didn't get a written contract, and lost 15 GRAND - I told him not to do business with my family, but he didn't listen.)

Anyway, that $3500 would have made a HUGE difference here.  We could live off that for 3 months while I find a job, AND I'd have a little bit to spend on supplies for my Etsy venture, so I could make a little extra income on the side to help catch myself up.  As it stands now, the check I will get from Lee will not go toward the mortgage this month.  I have to spend it on electric and water bills, phone and internet, gas, insurance, school supplies for the kids, and food.  That change in direction for me is going to cause even MORE stress because then I start down the road to defaulting on my mortgage, foreclosure, having to deal with Andy because his name is on the mortgage.... everything I have tried SO hard to avoid the past couple of years.  All I have wanted is to be able to keep my house, so my kids have at least ONE stable thing in their lives.  If I lose the house, we have to move.  Even getting an apartment is going to be a hassle - especially with my credit.

I am drowning.  I am constantly on-edge, my moods are swinging rapidly, I'm starting to hold a constant headache and pressure on my chest from anxiety.  I'm snapping at people who don't deserve to be snapped at, I'm crying out of the blue.... I've gained weight, lost interest in anything fun or productive.  I just want to go to sleep at this point and not wake up again.  The only thing that keeps me trying to tread water now is my kids, because I refuse to let them go live with their father while I try to fix my life.