Lonely VS Alone, Single at 55

 So, I get this question often - "Why are you still single, don't you get lonely?"

The short answer to that is "NO".  I do not get lonely.  You know, we often get "lonely" and "alone" confused.  They are two completely different states.  I am alone, by choice.  I actually prefer solitude.  I get more than enough human interaction at my workplace.  It's loud, bright, and full of people that like to talk.  While I do enjoy conversations with people, and I like to be social with a select group, I much prefer the quiet peacefulness of my home environment.  It takes me several days to recuperate from social activities outside of work, and on work days, all I want to do is sit with my own thoughts and my own company.  (Well, aside from the companionship of my animal friends.)

The only loneliness I have ever really, truly experienced has been sitting two feet away from someone I loved, and feeling miles apart or even invisible.  I've felt lonely when in the company of friends and family that immerse themselves in their phones instead of engaging in conversation with the person sat with  them.  I've ended a close friendship or two over that very issue.

After being married, having kids, living in the suburbs with neighbors and friend groups, and working, I am tired of being "on" all of the time.  When my kids were little, our house was THE place where they all hung out.  Our cul-de-sac was THE place the moms and kids hung out.  Having friends "by-default" of significant others and being the one to play hostess to them all, or to be the one to actually cultivate those friendships on the sig-other's behalf was incredibly taxing.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time with the guys, but I had a reason back then.  I don't now.  And I'm happy.

I always loved the rare times when the husband would go out of town or be at work and kids were at school, and I would get some alone time.  Now, I get that time whenever I want it.  Granted, my youngest daughter lives with me, but she is always out there living her best life, so it's ALMOST like I live alone.  When my last husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore, he gave me the greatest gift of FREEDOM.  After almost 52 years of being chained to someone else in some fashion, whether it be being a child of my parents, to a wife, and then a parent of my children, I finally had freedom.  

I believe often times, we get into relationships too quickly, and then get stuck in them because they are comfortable, even though the red flags are just waving right in our faces.  I chose not to get into that situation again.  Part of healing is learning to enjoy your OWN company.

Do I get lonely?  NO.  If I get the urge to have some socialization, I go hang out with my dad, or my kids - or with their dad, who I consider a true, good friend.  Mostly, I just like to be alone.  I don't want to build relationships with anyone else, I have plenty enough now.  I do not need a man in my life to complete me.  I am whole on my own.  

Birdwatching - I Guess I'm Officially OLD

 

Well, I guess I'm officially old.  Isn't birdwatching an "old folks" thing?  

I sit on my dock, and I watch the birds.  I sit on my porch, and I watch the birds.  Even when I'm driving or sitting outside on my break at work, I'm still watching the birds.  I feed the birds.  I listen to the birds.

If I'm outside and someone else is with me and I see or hear a bird, I'm like, "Oh look, there's a red-shouldered hawk!"  Or, "Oh, that sounds like a Carolina wren!"  And then there's my favorite, the little factoids I like to throw around, such as "Did you know that crows remember faces and hold grudges, and can even pass those grudges down through generations?"

I sit on my dock for HOURS with my old Sony a100 DSLR camera and try to catch that "perfect shot"... of birds!  I'm even researching new, better compatible lenses for my nineteen-year-old camera so that I can capture better distance photos of the fishing birds, such as the osprey, American bald eagles, belted kingfishers and the egrets and herons while they are in action.  I have more photos of BIRDS from the past two years on my phone and computer than all of the other photos COMBINED.

I downloaded an app on my phone to help identify birds by their calls and songs or by photo, so that I can tell the difference between all of the birds that I come across.

*By the way, if you are also interested in birds, you can get the MerlinID app for your phone and identify the birds in your environment too.  MerlinID is easy to use, and is totally FREE to use, though they do run on donations like most educational apps, but that is completely up to you.

SO many birds!  Living on this lake has brought me so much joy in the simple pleasures in my life.  The peaceful solitude of just sitting in nature and enjoying my avian neighbors is what I consider a "good time" these days.

Branching out of the comfort zone

 So, this evening, I took a very, very rare opportunity to get out of my comfort zone.  I was invited to dinner by the father of my children, which I totally accepted, because I enjoy his company and beer and oysters.  But after he left the restaurant, I went back to the bar and sat down and ordered a beer and some grouper bites, just to have some "me time".  

And then two ladies came in and sat a couple of chairs away from me.  My mind suddenly needed some conversation, so I asked them if I could scoot down and chat with them. They said, "of course, come on!"  So I then scootched over and began a conversation.  Turns out they were sisters, one of which had the same short nickname of "Dee" as I do.  We talked for a while, and I totally fell in love with them, in a "girrrrrl, I love y'all" kind of way.

Now I have a new restaurant that I am going to try,  because one of them owns it, and I left feeling really happy that my brain suddenly felt the need for some connection.  

It was a good day, and an even better evening.  

This whole week, I have been getting back to what helped me get through Tom leaving me, and I have missed that version of myself.  I have missed jumping into doing things that are outside of my comfort zone.  I have missed manifesting things in my life.  I have missed the positivity and basic love for everyone.  I have missed the "me" that I found  three years ago, but lost again once I had that first roommate.  She is coming back, though, and it's about damned time.

The Move

 I made the big decision in June 2023 to sell my house of 29 years.  Normally, I get these impulsive ideas and obsess over them for a couple of weeks, but never follow through because of the uncertainty and work involved in them.  

Not this time.  I DID it.  I sold my home and bought a fixer-upper in the country on a lake.  Not the original one I wanted with 10 acres, but a bigger one that is actually lakefront and just over an acre and a half.  It has been quite an undertaking, to say the least.  This house needs a LOT of work, most of which we couldn't see during walk-throughs and inspection.  

To be, or not to be.... single

 Being alone for a couple of years now has taught me many things. I always knew I could make it on my own. I don't need a man in my life. Even when I did have a man, I did everything on my own, so it's not much of a change for me.

Now I believe I could be ready for a relationship, but do I really want one? Hard question to answer, honestly. I like my alone time. I like being able to talk to whomever I want, to hang out with whomever I want and to not have to deal with anyone at all if I so choose.  

I don't want a perfect Rom-com relationship. I want a healthy relationship. One that doesn't leave me feeling lonely when I'm sitting right next to my partner. A relationship that doesn't leave me wondering if I matter, if I am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or just plain enough. I want someone with whom I can share experiences, dreams, feelings and quiet moments. Someone who likes to go do stuff with me, and also is fine with sitting on the couch watching TV. I don't care about money, looks, sexual prowess, or stuff he has. I just want someone that treats me well.

Most guys I've dealt with over the past couple of years want to jump in the sack immediately, but I am no booty call. There have been many younger men, some older men, men of all types and races. Some have had ways of talking that I can't get past, some have had manners, or a lack of, that I don't care to be around for extended periods of time. Some have been good friends that had potential, but don't pass the red flag tests. Some don't respect my boundaries, or believe they can talk to me however they want to like they are some sex gods, thinking that I enjoy constant sexual references and lewd comments. My sense of humor is pretty raunchy, but if someone wants to seriously be in a relationship with me, bringing up sex in a vulgar way is not the way to get me to want him more. It has the exact opposite effect. While I don't easily get offended, I do find it's a huge turn-off for me.

I express my vulnerability very openly in long conversations, what I like and don't like, and am honest about my feelings. Some people get it, and some don't. I'm tired of explaining myself to guys that refuse to actually listen. There are some that claim "love" in one sentence and then turn around and completely blaspheme the word with the garbage that comes out in the next sentence. I love easily, but I refuse to give my heart to someone that makes me feel guilty for sharing my thoughts honestly.

I gave too much before, I put my heart in someone's hand, and it was crushed with no thought at all, like an egg under a rock. I have learned to protect my heart. It is hidden away, behind bars deep in the dungeons of my being. Someone out there must have the key, but I don't know who he is, or if I even want to know.

Have I lost my mind?

 Maybe?  Or possibly I finally found it.

Today, I decided to sell my house.  I've lived in the same beautiful, affluent, gated community for 29 years.  My first husband and I closed on this house on the due date for my first child's birth, and moved during the next week after, and then one week after closing, I gave birth to our son.   I brought home all 3 of our children to this house, raised them all to adulthood in this house.  I've been through three husbands in this house.  I've worked 2 jobs and struggled to keep this house.  I filed bankruptcy to keep this house so that my kids never had to be moved out of the only home they had known.  

And now, the kids are all grown and in their own places, and the last husband is gone.  It's just me, the 2 dogs and the 6 cats.  I don't need a 4 bedroom home in a neighborhood that I don't enjoy any more.  It's too expensive to keep.  

I found a cute little cabin style home not toooo far away that has 10 acres and is beautiful.  That is where I want to be.  In the woods, with my animals, with no neighbors 20 feet away to wave at when I get my mail or try to avoid when I have to mow the grass.  I'll be able to see the stars, enjoy the quiet of nature, and be free of a mortgage.  

I contacted a realty agent about selling my home and contacted the agent for the other home with 10 acres to set up an appointment for a viewing for this weekend.

Yeah. I think it's time to move on and have that fresh start somewhere new.  I am ready.  

Stress, anxiety, and anniversaries

 So, as you could probably assume over  the past year, I have  had some stress and anxiety due to my husband of 10 years leaving me for whatever he left for.  I do not know or care what his REAL reasons are or were, I just know that it was what was best for him at the time and that it benefitted both of us in the end,  Financially, it really hurt me, not him.  For the first 7 years of our relationship, I carried the financial burden on top of the household and every other burden.  He worked and came home and played his games and I did all of everything else for him, my kids, and the household.  I worked, for a few years I worked 2 jobs, got almost no sleep, and did everything for everyone in the household and   got taken for granted for a very long time.  That is the past, and I don't particularly care to discuss that other than to lay ground work or give facts that happened during that time.  

The kids grew up, moved out and it was just he and I.  He got a better job, making almost 3 times what I made and I guess he didn't need me any more.  There was greener grass, and I do not blame him for gravitating toward it.  I always knew  it would happen.  I am happy for him, and I only wish the very best for him.  Am I resentful?  A tiny bit of me is, because I stood by him during our darkest and hardest  times, and when we made it through to the other side when there was nothing but us to worry about, he packed up and ran.  He didn't NEED me any more.  It, at the time, was a slap in the face.  I've come to terms with it, and I am thankful he left, because I never would have left  him.  As a result, I would have continued to  be unhappy even though I told myself I was happy then. 

Now, I am thriving, in spite of everything I have been through.  I HATE having a room mate because I need one to  keep my house and still have money to live. Don't get me wrong, my roommate is a good one, I just am MUCH happier living alone.   I am in a good place with my job, which I never  would be in because I didn't allow  myself to be  promoted while I was with him.  I have made new friends and reconnected with old friends that I couldn't before because of jealousy that was not warranted.  I am finally living life, regardless of the circumstances and I am thriving because of that.  I am grateful.

Last November, my first husband asked me to a comedy show and I said what the hell and I went.  Since then, we have hung out together many times- even went on a short cruise-  had some really good conversations, a lot of fun, and reconnected really well as friends.  We spent almost 20 years as strangers, so this was a bit of a welcome surprise and quite unexpected for me.

Today, we had dinner  and spent the evening just hanging out and talking.  Today, May 12, was the date of what would have been our 33rd anniversary if we were still married. I don't know if he had that in mind at all, and I didn't ask about it.  I did at one point say "happy anniversary" and honestly, I don't remember if  he responded.  All I know is that I am happy to have him back as my friend, because I never stopped loving him even though I ended our marriage because of what I needed back then, and I am  glad to have him back in my life, even as only a friend.  

I am happy.  Anxious, yes.  Stressed over money sometimes, yes.  But happy with my life NOW, yes.  I have gone outside of my comfort zone, and I am doing different things and experiencing things in a new light.  Am I scared?  Nope.  I am looking forward to every single challenge that will be thrown my way, because I am weakless.

So, how have you been, Deanna?

 In February of last year, I was suicidal.  I let one person - or the lack of one person - bring me to my knees in a way that I have never let anyone before.  My world was crumbling.  I gave this one person too much power, too strong of a hold on me.  I loved this person more than I loved myself, and that love almost destroyed me.  I felt worthless, unloved, and broken.  I sat by myself in the dark, holding a bottle of pills to my chest for many days and nights.  I stopped eating, was severely dehydrated, and physically weak. I struggled to hide my intense sadness and longing.  I suddenly felt how I imagine Gollum when he lost his "Precious".  I felt incomplete.

My grown children saved me from drowning in my misery and were my greatest support during those very dark days.

One day, I woke up out of my own madness and found a profound sense of clarity.  I've known all along my worth as a woman and as a partner.  The only thing I had been lacking was a love for MYSELF.  The revelation was quite electric in my mind.  It's like waking up from a deep, troubled sleep to the most beautiful morning sunrise and realizing that my past few months were nothing but a horrible recurring dream.  

I began to work on loving myself.  I learn to respect myself.  I vowed to NEVER let anyone else make me feel "less than" ever again.  I dove head-first into growing into a human being that radiates everything that I find wonderful in other people.  Positivity, love, passion, playfulness, and kindness are all traits that I want to possess and exude.  I don't want to be perfect; I want to be inexcusably ME.  My life up until that point had been spent in dwelling on the negative, steeping in jealousy, mistrust, hatred, and lack for far too long, and it has been utterly exhausting.

I am no longer choosing anyone else over myself.  I choose ME and my own happiness.  I do not need another person to complete me.  I am a whole and complete person on my own.  I have learned a great deal over the past year, and the old version of me is gone.  She is but a memory that I will not forget, but rather give thanks to, for she opened the door to my newfound view on my life and how I want to live it.

I have forgiven others for wrongs I perceived against me.  More importantly, I have forgiven myself.  I have let go of the past.  I have learned from my mistakes, and I have moved on.  While I still love that person who left, I have learned that letting go of that old relationship that was not serving either one of us has released me into a wild and untamed new world where I can create my own reality and be my own true self.  I am free for the first time in my entire 52 years of living.  This freedom has given me the opportunity to learn new things, go to new places, meet new people, forge new friendships, rekindle lost friendships, tackle new challenges, and pursue new passions.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone like never before, and it is exhilarating.  

I live each day in the present, with gratitude, love, and mindfulness.  I am no longer angry, negative, hateful, or resentful.  I am, and will always be, a work in progress for the better.  I am radiant like the sun.  My life is absolutely wonderful.  I am happy, and this is only the beginning.

Odd thing happened to me last week....

So, I'm working in my cooler, as I usually try to stay in there to keep my sanity, and my husband comes in and tells me that my former best friend is in the store with her mother and was asking about me.  Now, my first thought was, I'm not leaving this cooler until I know she is gone.  And indeed, I didn't leave it until I had to clock out to go home.  Of course, this also happened to be on a day that we desperately needed some groceries and cat food, so leaving the store immediately was not an option.  That left me open and vulnerable to any unwanted awkward social experiences.  My husband got irritated with me, which made it worse for me.  It's not that I was afraid to talk to her, she's not a tornado or lightning, so there's no fear there.  I was confused about my feelings, to be honest.  I was looking over my shoulder the entire time, until we got into our vehicle and drove home.  I tried to keep my composure, and managed to get everything put away before I made a bee-line for my bedroom.  My husband, sweet as he can be, was baffled by my behavior, and apologized for getting grumpy with me in the store.  And then I broke down.  He asked what was wrong, and I couldn't form an answer.  Finally, I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling.  Then it hit me.  I was feeling ANGER.  Red-hot ANGER.  I didn't want to see her or be exposed to her, because I was angry with her. 

I know, in my heart, that she didn't ask about me because SHE wanted to, but rather because her MOTHER most likely told her she should.  You see, her mother is a devout Catholic, just an unbelievably kind soul, and she is the one who loves to shop at Walmart and those other "slummin'" stores, so that's the reason they were even IN the store in the first place.  And it was probably her mother that said to her, "Oh honey, how is Deanna?" and my former chum had no idea how to answer.  They probably vowed to pray for me. 

So, where does the anger come from?  Well, I've thought long and hard about it.  I tried to explain it this way.  I feel that if I was on my death bed, she'd be by my side until I died, giving me all the attention I needed over the years, packed into whatever short time I had left.  I've seen that happen.  A mutual friend of ours passed away a few years ago, thanks to cancer.  A beautiful soul taken much too soon, someone who gave and gave and gave... did for others ALL the time, and never got the same back.  She also had a best friend that dumped her for "better".  And that former bestie suddenly had all the time in the world for her - when her life was fading.  Where was she though, for all those years that our mutual friend needed her in other times?  How could someone throw away a friend like an old tea cup, only to suddenly see it again and try to use it once it becomes a novelty or antique? 

Oddly enough, my former best friend threw me away for our mutual lovely friend's former bestie.  Now those two are BFFs. 

So, in my mind, it only stands to reason that I have to be literally on my death bed for my FBFF to notice me again, and therein lies the anger.  It's not that she cares again, but more that she probably feels guilty and/or hopes the doting and attention will get her a one-way ticket through the Pearly Gates.

I'd love to be proven wrong, but... history, ya know?

Motivation, lack of it, too much of it....

Mind, make up your... well, MIND already!

I am constantly in a state of flux, where I cannot get motivated, when just 5 minutes prior, I was ready and rarin' to go.  I find myself  obsessing about doing things, then when I decide to do said things, I just sit there or stand there and stare and can't bring myself to DO those things.  And if I do manage to get started on them, I run out of supplies, steam, whatever, and end up with yet another half-done project, chore, what-have-you.  I lay awake at night now, and my mind is running like crazy with ideas and things to do, yet I never get anything done.

So there I sit, perusing Facebook for cat videos, or in today's case, Halloween prop photos from my haunter friends.... for inspiration and maybe a kick in the behind for some motivation.  I know I'm also using the fact that my husband is taking a nap since he got home from work at 2 am, so I want to be quiet - but I have several things I could be doing rather than being quiet. 

I'm hoping that by sitting down here in front of my laptop, and blogging for a bit and getting some things out while they're floating in my head, that I will feel some relief from the crazy nonsense building in my head and just go out there and do SOMETHING, even if it's washing a dish or taking the garbage out.  Something is better than the NOTHING that I've been doing today.

Changing and Friends

My husband recently ran into an old friend of mine at work.  He said she was very gracious, and said kind things about me, but she thinks religion is why we are no longer friends.  She and I used to be best friends, but I drifted away from her with my many life changes.  I changed, and she changed, and many times friendships suffer with those changes.  My kneejerk reaction was to send her a lengthy message explaining that she was dead wrong about what caused me to delete her from my social media friends list, which I did quietly this year after reflecting on how I felt every time she posted anything.  Instead, I slept on it.  The next day I felt that nothing was going to be said to her.  She can think what she wants, whatever makes it easier for her to digest or tell other people, and helps her sleep at night.

I find it incredibly interesting though, that this friend of mine, my former BEST friend, obviously never really knew me at all.  One of the few things we disagreed upon was indeed religion, but I never thought we couldn't be friends because of it.  We discussed it openly many times, and I thought she understood my standpoint and that I understood hers.  I can't tell you how many nights, after many drinks, she would try to "save" me by trying to sway my belief.  She didn't want to go to Heaven knowing I wouldn't be there too.  I understood her love, and why she would want me to be there with her in this Kingdom of light and happiness.  I never tried to belittle her belief, or make her feel like she was wrong.  It's how she was raised, I respect that.  I still, to this day, don't understand why she could not respect how I felt on the subject.  I was not raised to be religious in any form or fashion, but rather to think for myself and believe what I needed to believe.  Religion was not forced down our throats.  I don't believe in imposing my will on other people, including my children, but I will not tell anyone that they are wrong for believing in what they were taught their whole lives.

So now, she is much more conscious of her lifestyle, or so she says, and living a more God-fearing life.  No drinking, or crazy all night parties, pretty much everything that brought us together and kept us together through many years.  I stopped drinking like that several years before she did, and I didn't need God to help me with it, but I wasn't so far gone either.  I'm glad that she is doing better, taking more control of her life, and I still love her.

What finally drove the last nail in the coffin of our friendship?  Me.  I needed a friend who would listen to me when I need her, not try to out-do me with the pity party.  My problems were never as big as hers, and she tried to make me feel better by going on about hers. I just needed my friend to LISTEN to me.  Not try to fix it by bringing her husband into the conversation.  I needed her to LISTEN.  When I felt she just didn't understand that, I stopped coming around, stopped trying to keep the friendship alive.  That was my last true female friendship, and I let it die because I felt she was never there when I needed her, but I was always there when she would call me at midnight needing me in one of her drunken tirades.  She wasn't truly there when I needed her the most, and I don't often reach out to anyone, so it really hurt when I was left feeling worse than before talking to her, or being put off for her other friend.  I needed her once so badly and I called her, but a bicycle ride was more important and she told me to call her later.  I didn't speak to her for months.

 I got tired of hearing the same crap, "Oh, I miss you, we need to get together"... I resented hearing my children tell me that a mutual friend posted photos of my ex-husband at her house, hanging out with them, but he won't bother to call his own children anymore - and she and I live in the same neighborhood.  I understand being friends with him, that's fine.  But to have someone lie to my face saying she doesn't really talk to him anymore, and hear my daughters tell me they saw photo proof that he was at their home several times, well, I have no use for that.  I don't need to constantly see photos post on social media of her and her new "bestie", the woman who took my place in her new pious life. I don't want to see photos of her with the woman who used to be my children's "older sister", who has pretty much latched on to my old friend, and has her new little "siblings" to spend her time with, while my youngest sits at home, alone because everyone who used to matter has deserted her.

Am I jealous that my friend is well off and has everything she could possibly want, or that she's moved on to a new friend?  Nope, I never have been.  She has demons that I don't have with all that goodness, and she used to take it all for granted.  I used to think she was pretty damned stupid with the way she lived her life, given everything she has.  So, I am happy for her now, that she has found herself and she seems happy.

I've learned that I am different now.  I have changed.  I've made mistakes, and I'm learning to live with them.  Parts of me are better, parts are worse, but I'm still changing.  Sure, I miss our good times, but there will be other good times with other people.  Sometimes I feel bitterness, but then I think of the things I don't miss, and that bitterness turns to relief.   Sure, sometimes I need someone to talk to, and aside from my husband, I really don't have that any more.  One day, I might open myself up for female friendship again, or I may just stick with being "one of the guys".  Either way, life goes on and I'll be okay.

It's been a while...

Been through lots of ups and downs over the past few years, some bad stuff, lots of good stuff.  Brandon joined the Marines and is currently a Corporal in Okinawa.  Taylor moved up to Maine in November of last year.  Emily is still a precocious and sassy kid, but growing into a beautiful young woman quickly.  Tom and I have finally learned what it is to be a solid couple, making it through some pretty stupid crap, but coming out stronger on the other side.  More changes are looming on the horizon, hopefully for the better.

I'm learning to make better choices with everything nowadays, especially where my health is concerned.  Today marks day one of what I want to be the beginning of a better me.  Eating better, exercising, drinking more water.... less stress and more joy. 

Wish me luck on my journey!

Mascara: Truth in advertising?

Okay, so I decided I wanted to try out this new mascara that Maybelline is pushing called "the Falsies, Volum' Express Hydrofuge" after seeing all the commercials with the models and their long beautiful lashes.  Now, mind you, I already have very long lashes - I've been asked if I wear false lashes on many occasions, and my lashes tend to brush against my sunglasses with no mascara on, so I don't need to make them longer.  They're not incredibly thick and they are very light on the tips, but they are pretty decent as far as lashes go.  (Though if there is a magic cure to make them perfectly even and not off-kilter, I'd like to know!)  Anyway, I decided I'd put this new wonder-mascara to the test, along with another new product, Revlon's "Grow Luscious" line, and compare it with my staples and a long-time favorite of so many women I know, Maybelline's "Great Lash".  This is my photo comparison of each one, on my lashes with no other make-up and a description of each one's pros and cons.

Pictured below is my eye with no mascara on at all.  Lashes are very light and not very exciting:

First up, a trusted classic that a lot of us have used since our teen years:  Maybelline's "Great Lash".  Ladies, you know this one, it's the one in the pink tube.  ;-)  This is a non-waterproof mascara that goes on very smooth with a simple small, straight, brush.  Easy to apply, easy to take off, and with 2 coats, you can have some killer lashes.  It's also one of the least expensive mascaras on the market.  It doesn't flake or clump.  The only drawback to using this one is the fact that it does wear off pretty easily.  Photo below:

Next up, is Revlon's "3D Extreme" waterproof mascara.  I was not impressed with this one.  It clumped from the start, was a bitch to get off and during wear, it "pilled up" and got into my eyes.  It didn't make my lashes appear thick, nor give a 3D look.  Yeah, Revlon, these were an extreme fail.  No pros.  Photo below:

Third in line is CoverGirl's "Professional" mascara.  This is another tried and true product that has been around a long time and is a staple in my arsenal of beauty products.  It's pretty much awesome, like the Great Lash line, but the drawback (at least for me) is the curved brush.  It has a tendency to clump on the very tips of my lashes, but just lightly touching them with my fingertips before they dry takes any excess off and relieves the clump issue.  Photo below:

On to another CoverGirl favorite, "Volume Exact" Waterproof.  Love this one as well, except that for a waterproof version, it does wear off too easily during the day.  I love the brush too, it's a straight brush with bristles that aren't like regular bristles, so you don't get the clumping.  Photo below (sorry, forgot to use the flash on this one so it's natural light):

Now for the fun part.  While buying the "Falsies" mascara, I decided to try another one as well, Revlon's "Grow Luscious" line.  I'll be using this one daily to see if there really is a difference in the overall thickness of my lashes over time.  As far as mascaras go, it's good and thick, as many of the newer ones are, but the brush is waaaaay too big to put it on easily, especially on lower lashes.  It went on smoothly, but even with the straight brush, the size of the thing was like trying to use a paint roller in a shoe box.  Photo below:

And last, but not least:  Maybelline's "the Falsies".  I gotta tell ya, they did make my lashes look like I had falsies on - but only after 3 layers of it and with the advantage of having longer than average lashes already.  ;-)  The brush makes it hard to get on too, it's larger than normal and curved with weird uneven bristles.  It clumps pretty bad too.  Not a mascara I would urge anyone to buy since you can get the same results with the much less expensive "Great Lash" mascara (you'd just have to reapply during wear).  Photo below is with only one coat:

I went ahead and threw on some of my normal make-up, so you can see what the mascaras look like with normal wear.  In the photo below, the eye on the right is with "the Falsies" on, and the eye on the left is the "Great Lash" mascara, each one with 2 coats.  (Don't mind the bloodshot eyes, it's been a long sleepless week and it's late at night when these are taken.)

 Yes, my eyelashes are just barely touching my eyebrows.  Don't hate.  ;-)  But also don't go out and buy "the Falsies" mascara either, it's not worth it. 

Finally, someone took me on a picnic

I've always wanted to go on a picnic.  Just pack a basket lunch, maybe a bottle of wine, and take off to a park or somewhere where there's a decent view and a nice spot to sit and have lunch.  While Tom and I were watching TV one day last week, the subject of picnics came up and I mentioned my desire for one.  This past Sunday, he planned one for me.  He packed our lunch and a couple of refreshing beverages, and drove me to the place we had our first kiss.  We walked around one of my favorite cemeteries, then headed for a nice little park tucked away in Avondale and had a picnic, just the two of us.  The day out could not have been more perfect.  :)  Thank you, Tom, for always trying to give me everything I dream of.  I love you.

Feels good to say, "I have to work tomorrow"

So, 4 weeks ago, I got a call asking if I was interested in working at a paper company, packaging collegiate products for distribution.  The guy on the phone seemed like he didn't think I'd bother with coming in for this job, but I was desperate, so I told him I'd be there at 7 the next morning.  It's a shit job, but a paying job nonetheless, so I'm happy to have it.  I enjoy the actual work part of it, mind-numbing as it is, it keeps me occupied and I do enjoy tedious, monotonous work anyway.  What I don't enjoy is the woman who also is my boss in addition to her husband (the one who called).  She's a horrible person, at least at work.  We (the employees) aren't allowed to talk to each other, there's no garbage can at the break area and we are to take our garbage home to throw away, the bathrooms are disgustingly dirty, and she talks down to us like we are idiots constantly.  I find this incredibly odd, considering she makes more mistakes and stupid decisions than any of us.  I do not enjoy being around her at ALL.  Her husband, on the other hand, is a wonderful boss.  He's kind, funny, and a real pleasure to talk to.  He tells us we're doing a good job, and he thanks us for everything we do.  It is so strange to think that these two people are a married couple, when they are so very different. 

This job may or may not last for a while.  It was supposed to be a 6-8 week temporary gig, while a huge order for WalMart was filled, but it could turn into something that is more in line with my resume.  The husband has mentioned the need for help in his office in regard to organizing and taking some of his boring workload off of his back so he can concentrate on more important things, and asked if I was interested. He knows I am worth more than the usual people they get coming in for work there (and usually they don't even last a whole day after experiencing Cruella).  I am hoping for the best, and trying my very hardest to tolerate Cruella as long as it takes to get out of the production room and into the office.  I really want this opportunity to do something more within this company than sitting at a table stuffing pencils into a plastic bag.

Drowning, drowning, drowning....

Another week of job searching, another week of stress, another week of disappointment. 

Never heard back from the Call Center about the job for either Tom or me, so I'm guessing we didn't "wow" them.  I was hoping that having my foot poised right outside the door would at least help me get in there, but I was wrong.  The Cleaning Service lady never contacted me for an interview, so I'm assuming that one is a no too.  I did manage to get postal test appointments for myself and Tom for Monday, so there's a tiny bit of hope, but not much.  Every place I've applied has been a no-contact "we'll call you if we are interested" type thing.  Nobody accepts written applications anymore it seems.  I've spent hours and hours on this laptop, scouring job listings on every site I can find, applying to stuff I know I won't like or even get called for, just on the off-chance that SOMEONE out there will contact me.

Yesterday, I finally got in touch with my dad, only to be both humiliated and disappointed in the same 5 minute period.  It seems good ol' Dad has forgotten (probably due to being drunk at the time) that he and Lee had an agreement on the money that Dad still owed, so he thinks he is in the clear for that debt.  Lee told me that he told Dad to hold onto the $3500.00 that he owed to Lee in the event that I ever needed it, because apparently Lee knew I'd fail.  Of course, their conversation on this matter was 7 years ago, and Dad was, as usual, drunk/drinking.  On the other hand, Lee could have been lying to me just to see me look like a fool, he likes to watch me squirm, I guess it makes him feel more powerful.  Instead of offering to help me, Dad poor-mouthed about the new roof, blah blah blah.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he was bragging about all his money and stuff he has.  He did offer to give me the $300 bucks in his pocket, but I politely declined, told him I loved him, and got off the phone.  My pride has already suffered from calling him in the first place, I sure as hell wasn't going to take a pity handout - no matter how badly I need it - from someone that doesn't really seem to care about his flesh and blood like he does his step-son or the leeches that constantly suck the blood from him out at the garage.

All these years, I have never ONCE asked my dad for anything.  I never asked him to fix anything for me, never asked him to look at my car, never EVER asked him for money.  Occasionally I'd ask his opinion on something, or what the cause of something could be in terms of cars, but NEVER did I ask him to fix anything.  I took it to someone else to fix or did it myself, or just let it sit broken, whatever it is.  (My Suburban sat for 6 months in the driveway, unusable - just because it needed a new battery.  I couldn't afford that 80 bucks until I got my tax refund, THAT is how proud I am.)   I suppose I COULD have asked Dad for a loan, but I'm so scared he'll tell me he can't do it, and I simply can't take that sort of rejection from anyone else right now - especially knowing he loaned others money - and then told them don't worry about paying it back.  (So he bragged, he has a habit of bragging.)  I've never once NOT paid a friend or family member back if I ever HAD to borrow money, not a 5 buck loan for lunch because I forgot my debit card, not a $250 loan because I didn't have the money to keep my electricity from being shut off.  I don't want money to burn bridges and cause hard feelings, like it has with Lee and other people.  (He loaned money behind my back to an uncle of mine, didn't get a written contract, and lost 15 GRAND - I told him not to do business with my family, but he didn't listen.)

Anyway, that $3500 would have made a HUGE difference here.  We could live off that for 3 months while I find a job, AND I'd have a little bit to spend on supplies for my Etsy venture, so I could make a little extra income on the side to help catch myself up.  As it stands now, the check I will get from Lee will not go toward the mortgage this month.  I have to spend it on electric and water bills, phone and internet, gas, insurance, school supplies for the kids, and food.  That change in direction for me is going to cause even MORE stress because then I start down the road to defaulting on my mortgage, foreclosure, having to deal with Andy because his name is on the mortgage.... everything I have tried SO hard to avoid the past couple of years.  All I have wanted is to be able to keep my house, so my kids have at least ONE stable thing in their lives.  If I lose the house, we have to move.  Even getting an apartment is going to be a hassle - especially with my credit.

I am drowning.  I am constantly on-edge, my moods are swinging rapidly, I'm starting to hold a constant headache and pressure on my chest from anxiety.  I'm snapping at people who don't deserve to be snapped at, I'm crying out of the blue.... I've gained weight, lost interest in anything fun or productive.  I just want to go to sleep at this point and not wake up again.  The only thing that keeps me trying to tread water now is my kids, because I refuse to let them go live with their father while I try to fix my life. 

Goodbye sandwich shoppe...

Yesterday was my last day at the shop.  The boss and I struggled with working together, mainly we didn't hardly speak at all.  I was afraid of saying something stupid or something that would piss him off, and when I did try to strike up conversation, he always made me feel like he either wasn't interested or that what I was saying was just plain stupid.  Of course, any time he chose to be talkative, I was the complete opposite and treated him just as I would anyone else, and listened with genuine interest and responded to let him know I was listening to what he had to say.  It's very difficult to work like that, always feeling like you are unimportant.  In any case, we had a falling out over my wish to own the shop, and went down the road that I was afraid of going down.  He yelled, I cried, and then I just walked away resigning myself to his wishes.  The Monday following, he told me I had two weeks to find something else.  At that point, I was even more hurt and angry, but what could I do? 

So the past two weeks have been stressful, full of job searching every chance I got.  Got a couple of leads, and yesterday after work one interview.  I'm trying to stay positive, but it is really hard.  I have literally seventy dollars left to my name after paying my car insurance, an empty cupboard and gas tank, and no new job to look forward to.  I'm drowning here.

Back to work.... revisiting ye olde sammich shoppe

Well, one week down and I made it without things going badly.  Last week was somewhat difficult in that I have to constantly hear people tell me what "big shoes" I have to fill, and blah blah blah... Yeah, I know, most of them think I am some new girl and I am still learning the ropes and what-not.  I get a little irritated with it, but then I try to keep in mind that this is how the boss wants it, so it is what it is.  Sometimes it's a good thing, like when I screw something up or forget something (which actually is not often at all), or just when I have a "duh" moment.

What REALLY gets to me though, is when customers come in and start asking the boss about the kids, and I can't say anything, because he (for whatever reason) doesn't want the general customer base to know that I am the "ex".  They're my kids too, they live with me, I know them better than anyone else, but I can't comment on anything.  :(  Frustrating, but I guess eventually I will get over it. 

The old customers who remember and recognize me make me smile though, and it's nice to see them again and to be able to have a normal conversation with them without having to lie or be evasive.  It's just not natural for me to have to cover up who I am in this way.

Anyway, for the most part, it is going well.  I still get that old feeling that I can't do anything right, regardless of whether I actually AM or not.  It's also quite uncomfortable at times being in the same vicinity as the boss, given that we went for so long without really talking to each other.  I try to chit chat some about the kids and what-not, but more times than not, I feel like I really should just shut up and not say anything - which is what I'd rather do anyway.  It just feels rude of me to NOT talk, or .. something, I dunno.  I'm normally the type to be talked TO, not to do the talking.  I know it will get easier at some point, just right now it's still in that uncomfortable "don't really know what to say" stage.  At least now, I know that I won't get upset like I used to when he gets mad at me for doing or saying something wrong.  I can say, "sorry" and leave it at work.  :)

I'm just really thankful that I have Tom to come home to every day.  He makes everything better, even on good days!

Goodbye Evil Empire, hello again sammich shop

I said good bye to my job very recently, and accepted a job working for my ex-husband at the sandwich shop that we used to own together.  It took a while to decide on, and I made sure Tom had no problems with it since I surely do not want it to cause a rift in our relationship.  While I'm glad to be done with WalMart finally as it was getting ridiculously retarded with lazy coworkers and management, I'm a little worried about what the future will bring going back to work with Lee.  He and I are finally back to speaking to each other like normal people since Andy is no longer in the picture, and I don't want my working for him to bring up any old issues or cause an issue between us to where we barely interact at all.  I don't wanna be best buds with him or anything, I just wanna be able to talk to him again without getting upset or pissed, and without him constantly berating me and telling me I'm stupid.  I've changed a lot over the past 8 years, I hope that makes a difference in how I handle him.  Wish me luck, I will probably need it!

*sigh*

I am really just about ready to throw in the towel.  Nothing is going right, nothing I say or do is right.  All I want is a big rock to hide under for the rest of my life.