Drowning, drowning, drowning....

Another week of job searching, another week of stress, another week of disappointment. 

Never heard back from the Call Center about the job for either Tom or me, so I'm guessing we didn't "wow" them.  I was hoping that having my foot poised right outside the door would at least help me get in there, but I was wrong.  The Cleaning Service lady never contacted me for an interview, so I'm assuming that one is a no too.  I did manage to get postal test appointments for myself and Tom for Monday, so there's a tiny bit of hope, but not much.  Every place I've applied has been a no-contact "we'll call you if we are interested" type thing.  Nobody accepts written applications anymore it seems.  I've spent hours and hours on this laptop, scouring job listings on every site I can find, applying to stuff I know I won't like or even get called for, just on the off-chance that SOMEONE out there will contact me.

Yesterday, I finally got in touch with my dad, only to be both humiliated and disappointed in the same 5 minute period.  It seems good ol' Dad has forgotten (probably due to being drunk at the time) that he and Lee had an agreement on the money that Dad still owed, so he thinks he is in the clear for that debt.  Lee told me that he told Dad to hold onto the $3500.00 that he owed to Lee in the event that I ever needed it, because apparently Lee knew I'd fail.  Of course, their conversation on this matter was 7 years ago, and Dad was, as usual, drunk/drinking.  On the other hand, Lee could have been lying to me just to see me look like a fool, he likes to watch me squirm, I guess it makes him feel more powerful.  Instead of offering to help me, Dad poor-mouthed about the new roof, blah blah blah.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he was bragging about all his money and stuff he has.  He did offer to give me the $300 bucks in his pocket, but I politely declined, told him I loved him, and got off the phone.  My pride has already suffered from calling him in the first place, I sure as hell wasn't going to take a pity handout - no matter how badly I need it - from someone that doesn't really seem to care about his flesh and blood like he does his step-son or the leeches that constantly suck the blood from him out at the garage.

All these years, I have never ONCE asked my dad for anything.  I never asked him to fix anything for me, never asked him to look at my car, never EVER asked him for money.  Occasionally I'd ask his opinion on something, or what the cause of something could be in terms of cars, but NEVER did I ask him to fix anything.  I took it to someone else to fix or did it myself, or just let it sit broken, whatever it is.  (My Suburban sat for 6 months in the driveway, unusable - just because it needed a new battery.  I couldn't afford that 80 bucks until I got my tax refund, THAT is how proud I am.)   I suppose I COULD have asked Dad for a loan, but I'm so scared he'll tell me he can't do it, and I simply can't take that sort of rejection from anyone else right now - especially knowing he loaned others money - and then told them don't worry about paying it back.  (So he bragged, he has a habit of bragging.)  I've never once NOT paid a friend or family member back if I ever HAD to borrow money, not a 5 buck loan for lunch because I forgot my debit card, not a $250 loan because I didn't have the money to keep my electricity from being shut off.  I don't want money to burn bridges and cause hard feelings, like it has with Lee and other people.  (He loaned money behind my back to an uncle of mine, didn't get a written contract, and lost 15 GRAND - I told him not to do business with my family, but he didn't listen.)

Anyway, that $3500 would have made a HUGE difference here.  We could live off that for 3 months while I find a job, AND I'd have a little bit to spend on supplies for my Etsy venture, so I could make a little extra income on the side to help catch myself up.  As it stands now, the check I will get from Lee will not go toward the mortgage this month.  I have to spend it on electric and water bills, phone and internet, gas, insurance, school supplies for the kids, and food.  That change in direction for me is going to cause even MORE stress because then I start down the road to defaulting on my mortgage, foreclosure, having to deal with Andy because his name is on the mortgage.... everything I have tried SO hard to avoid the past couple of years.  All I have wanted is to be able to keep my house, so my kids have at least ONE stable thing in their lives.  If I lose the house, we have to move.  Even getting an apartment is going to be a hassle - especially with my credit.

I am drowning.  I am constantly on-edge, my moods are swinging rapidly, I'm starting to hold a constant headache and pressure on my chest from anxiety.  I'm snapping at people who don't deserve to be snapped at, I'm crying out of the blue.... I've gained weight, lost interest in anything fun or productive.  I just want to go to sleep at this point and not wake up again.  The only thing that keeps me trying to tread water now is my kids, because I refuse to let them go live with their father while I try to fix my life. 

Goodbye sandwich shoppe...

Yesterday was my last day at the shop.  The boss and I struggled with working together, mainly we didn't hardly speak at all.  I was afraid of saying something stupid or something that would piss him off, and when I did try to strike up conversation, he always made me feel like he either wasn't interested or that what I was saying was just plain stupid.  Of course, any time he chose to be talkative, I was the complete opposite and treated him just as I would anyone else, and listened with genuine interest and responded to let him know I was listening to what he had to say.  It's very difficult to work like that, always feeling like you are unimportant.  In any case, we had a falling out over my wish to own the shop, and went down the road that I was afraid of going down.  He yelled, I cried, and then I just walked away resigning myself to his wishes.  The Monday following, he told me I had two weeks to find something else.  At that point, I was even more hurt and angry, but what could I do? 

So the past two weeks have been stressful, full of job searching every chance I got.  Got a couple of leads, and yesterday after work one interview.  I'm trying to stay positive, but it is really hard.  I have literally seventy dollars left to my name after paying my car insurance, an empty cupboard and gas tank, and no new job to look forward to.  I'm drowning here.

Back to work.... revisiting ye olde sammich shoppe

Well, one week down and I made it without things going badly.  Last week was somewhat difficult in that I have to constantly hear people tell me what "big shoes" I have to fill, and blah blah blah... Yeah, I know, most of them think I am some new girl and I am still learning the ropes and what-not.  I get a little irritated with it, but then I try to keep in mind that this is how the boss wants it, so it is what it is.  Sometimes it's a good thing, like when I screw something up or forget something (which actually is not often at all), or just when I have a "duh" moment.

What REALLY gets to me though, is when customers come in and start asking the boss about the kids, and I can't say anything, because he (for whatever reason) doesn't want the general customer base to know that I am the "ex".  They're my kids too, they live with me, I know them better than anyone else, but I can't comment on anything.  :(  Frustrating, but I guess eventually I will get over it. 

The old customers who remember and recognize me make me smile though, and it's nice to see them again and to be able to have a normal conversation with them without having to lie or be evasive.  It's just not natural for me to have to cover up who I am in this way.

Anyway, for the most part, it is going well.  I still get that old feeling that I can't do anything right, regardless of whether I actually AM or not.  It's also quite uncomfortable at times being in the same vicinity as the boss, given that we went for so long without really talking to each other.  I try to chit chat some about the kids and what-not, but more times than not, I feel like I really should just shut up and not say anything - which is what I'd rather do anyway.  It just feels rude of me to NOT talk, or .. something, I dunno.  I'm normally the type to be talked TO, not to do the talking.  I know it will get easier at some point, just right now it's still in that uncomfortable "don't really know what to say" stage.  At least now, I know that I won't get upset like I used to when he gets mad at me for doing or saying something wrong.  I can say, "sorry" and leave it at work.  :)

I'm just really thankful that I have Tom to come home to every day.  He makes everything better, even on good days!

Goodbye Evil Empire, hello again sammich shop

I said good bye to my job very recently, and accepted a job working for my ex-husband at the sandwich shop that we used to own together.  It took a while to decide on, and I made sure Tom had no problems with it since I surely do not want it to cause a rift in our relationship.  While I'm glad to be done with WalMart finally as it was getting ridiculously retarded with lazy coworkers and management, I'm a little worried about what the future will bring going back to work with Lee.  He and I are finally back to speaking to each other like normal people since Andy is no longer in the picture, and I don't want my working for him to bring up any old issues or cause an issue between us to where we barely interact at all.  I don't wanna be best buds with him or anything, I just wanna be able to talk to him again without getting upset or pissed, and without him constantly berating me and telling me I'm stupid.  I've changed a lot over the past 8 years, I hope that makes a difference in how I handle him.  Wish me luck, I will probably need it!

*sigh*

I am really just about ready to throw in the towel.  Nothing is going right, nothing I say or do is right.  All I want is a big rock to hide under for the rest of my life.

Again I say it....... Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

I really need to snap out of this weird funk I'm in.  I'm feeling just plain worthless and insecure, and it's not cool.  Ended the worknight last night with a horrible sinus headhache and just feeling drained.  A few people at work have been sick, so I think I may have picked up something this past week.  This is right on par though for this time of year, when I am under the gun to get everything done for Halloween.  So, not feeling well, I pretty much did nothing today except catch up on  Survivor, Ghost Hunters and watched The Proposal with Tom on the couch, then slept the rest of the day.  I got NOTHING done.  Now, it's almost 8:30 pm and time to get ready for work.  Thankfully, it's my "Friday", so I have 3 days and 2 nights to get a lot of stuff accomplished.  I did manage to get almost all the invites taken care of yesterday, most by FB messages, then the neighborhood ones by "Emily delivery".

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

The title just about sums it up.

I have spent most of my life living it pretty much one day at a time.  These days, I really am living it one hour at a time, maybe even minute by minute.  I waste so much time doing NOTHING at all.  I spend a good deal of time trying to find things to waste my time on.  I waste a lot of time worrying about stuff that I know I shouldn't worry about.  I spend a lot of time being angry about things I know I should not be angry about. I don't really bother making plans, because I know by the time the plans come around, I will have lost interest or just not feel like it, whatever "it" is.  I feel like I'm just lost in some sort of rut that I can't climb out of, no matter how much I want out of it, and it's all my own doing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly happy most of the time.  I just have moments where I realize just how much time I waste.

I really feel the loss of precious time during the month of October, as the days are crossed off the calendar way too quickly and the end of the month draws near.  I have boxes and boxes of Halloween stuff strewn all over my house that have been sitting here for a week.  I did manage to get through several of them with Tom's help, and I am really very thankful that he kind of gives me a little push and has helped me get some of it done - especially the gossamer which takes the most effort and time to do.  In October, the "it" is the annual party.  I vowed last year to NOT do the party this  year, and to take it easy.  Crazy me decided that this year is so different in so many ways, that maybe I SHOULD do the party, only smaller, simpler.  It's still a huge undertaking getting it all ready, even with help.

I spent a lot of time the past couple of weeks doing nothing (like just surfing Facebook) and watching TV (stuff I've seen over and over again) and even took up playing WoW (because I want to have something else to do with Tom).  Tom is a big reason I spend so little time getting things done, but it makes me happy to just sit next to him and do whatever it is that is keeping me from chores, hobbies, etc, and spending time by his side is NOT a waste of time to me.  I love to be with him, no matter what we're doing.

Now my weekend is almost over and I don't have a whole lot to show for having 2 nights off and especially for being on opposite sleep schedules as Tom.  My invitations for the party aren't done yet (but I'm working on them now - they're almost done- 10 days before the party).  I don't even know what my costume will be for the party.  But here I sit, on the computer, wasting more time, looking at Facebook profiles, occasionally walking around the house in circles, and eating peanut M&Ms... all the while patiently waiting for Tom to wake up.  Unfortunately, soon I will need to go to sleep too, so I can be a little rested for work tonight. 

So again, I  say "GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"  So much to do, so little time to do it, and so little motivation to do anything at all.  Gah.