Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A New Day - YES, even at 4:45 PM

I've decided today, just right this very moment, that today IS a new day.  Today is a good day to make the changes that I need to make to get back to the old Deanna, the Deanna that was fun and happy and enjoyed life.  I've been sitting on the sidelines for way too long the past couple of years and I'm SICK of it.  I have a wonderful man in my life now, and I should not spend so much time feeling like the whole world is on my shoulders.  I want everyone around me to be happy, and it can't be any good for everyone that I love to see me always frowning or lost in my own sad and decaying thoughts.  I've been so down and moody and I know it's been hard on my family, especially Tom.  He worries about me, and he worries that he is the one causing my internalized issues, but he is the complete opposite of a problem for me.  He is the reason that I smile, he's the reason I laugh and enjoy anything these days.  If it weren't for him, I would truly be lost and miserable.  He's my rock, my lighthouse in the storm, my light at the end of the tunnel... he is everything positive that I need right now.  I am thankful every single second of every single day for him, and I hope that he believes me when I say that.  I don't ever want there to be doubt between us, not for the tiniest moment.  I want to be everything in a woman that he wants and needs, and none of the junk he doesn't like or doesn't find attractive.  I want there to be a close bond between us that is unbreakable, no matter what comes along.

I need to start looking at everything in my life with a more positive view, to stop seeing the negative in every little thing.  I always try to help other people think positive, why not help myself for once?  Tonight, I will go to work and do everything I can to make it a GOOD night at work and not automatically hate being there before we even drive into the parking lot.  I CAN do this, I know I can.  Maybe if I am in a good mood, it will rub off on other people too.  I want to smile and laugh again and enjoy what I do.

So, with my newfound need to be myself again, I am going for a run.  It makes me happy, it clears my mind and helps me work through things that weigh heavy on me.  Plus I need to lose those extra 10 pounds that came back over the past few months.  :) 

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Because I still don't think he believes me...

I'm gonna list the things about Tom that make him PERFECT in my eyes. 

He's smart.  Really smart.

He's funny.  I LOVE his sense of humor.  He makes me laugh, like, all the time. He likes to see me smile, and he can make it happen almost effortlessly.

He's sweet.  He is like the human version of a milk-chocolate Lindt Truffle... just perfectly sweet.

He's HOT.  VERY hot.  Smokin' HOT. 

He's tall.  I LOVE tall.

He's strong... I love that he can pick me up and throw me onto the bed.  I love to watch him work, especially when I can see the muscles in his arms flex.  I love that when he puts his arms around me, I feel safe.

He's not skinny.  I don't like skinny dudes.  I like my men to be MANLY, and he is definitely manly.

He has a beard.  I love facial hair on a man.  I love his hairy chest too.  I like the way it tickles my nose when I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat.

He has an evil streak in him... sort of like the one I have.  I like that we are both inside each other's heads when it comes to our evil thoughts. 

I love the way he laughs - especially when he's being bad, the way he drops his head down and his shoulders shake like he's trying to hold it in. 

He's willing to cook for me.  He's not afraid to learn to cook - this is a very desirable quality in a man these days!

He has amazingly broad shoulders.  I have always loved broad shoulders... another physical attribute that means strength to me. 

His eyes twinkle.....  seriously!  They do!  He gets this look in his eyes sometimes, and I swear you can see them twinkle, like stars.... especially when he gives me that look - the one where he raises his eyebrow and does that slight smile - OMG... he makes my heart skip a beat every single time he looks at me like that.

He kisses me.... often.  He hugs me...... often.  He holds me tight when we fall asleep together.  He holds my hand, puts his hand on my leg, or puts his arm around  me.... he's not afraid or incapable of showing or receiving affection.  I can't be within arms' reach of him without touching him in some way - being close to him is like a drug to me.  I cannot get enough.  I want his skin to touch my skin, it just makes me FEEL good, always.

He does everything he can to make me happy, whether it's buying me chocolate and beer, or just putting away his laptop and snuggling on the couch with me. 

He reads to me.  This is one of the sexiest things I think a man can do for a woman that doesn't actually involve sex.

Speaking of sex (yeah, I'm going there) - he is everything I have ever dreamed of or wanted.

He likes my obsession with Halloween and even encourages it.  :)

He helps me when I need it, cleaning, yard work, reaching the top shelf, heavy lifting....  and he doesn't make me wait or beg for that help.

He's great with my kids.  They like him and think he's funny, and that means a lot to me.

He's a fantastic father to his own daughter.  Seeing him really play with her for the first time brought a tear to my eye because I could see how much he loves and misses her.  He calls her almost every single day, not many Dads do that.

He sings and dances.  I love it when he sings to me, I love his voice.  I love it when he's being ridiculous and dancing and being goofy.

He wants to be around me.  He wants me to ride with him when he goes places.  We're together almost all the time, and I've never wanted to be around one person so much in my life.

He likes the same music that I do (with the exception of country) and the same kinds of movies (mostly) and books... and TV shows.  It's nice to be able to share all this stuff, instead of watching/listening alone all the time.

He's thoughtful and caring.  He goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy.  He thinks of me when he is picking up lunch,  he asks me what I want to drink when we're sitting down to eat.  He cares about what I think or feel and doesn't tell me I'm wrong for it.  He holds me when I need  to be held, and listens to me when I need to talk (though he usually has to drag things out of me).  He almost ALWAYS knows, too, when something is wrong - even when I say there isn't.  That drives me nuts, but it really is a good thing since it eventually forces me to come clean.  He tries his best to help me with everything that's bothering me, whether it's in my head, I'm sick, or whatever.  He is thoughtful when it comes to other people too... like when we get lunch at work from BK, and he asks if my sister wants anything.

He doesn't make or expect me to do things I don't want to. 

He plays with my hair.  :)  I love that!

He has a great ass.  Seriously, it's reaaaaally nice.  Great legs too... I'm a sucker for a pair of long, muscular legs.  His arms are great too... I really love to feel his forearms when he flexes them - OMG... HAWT!

He tells me I'm beautiful, even though I don't think I am.  He always compliments me, even when I look like total crap.

He's handsome.  I love his smile,  I love his nose, I love his eyes, I love his hair, I love everything about his face.  I sometimes just watch his lips when he talks, thinking that all I want to do is feel them on mine, kissing each other.  He has GREAT lips. 

He is definitely the best kisser I've ever had the pleasure of coming in contact with.  Every kiss is perfect with him, from the short, quick ones to the long, sensual ones. 

He's RIDICULOUS.  He is constantly being a dork - and I LOVE it! 

He likes my best friend - and ENCOURAGES me to spend time with her.  (AND he doesn't get mad if we drink too much!)

I could go on and on about every little thing that  makes him perfect in my eyes.  The most important thing about his perfection is that he loves me, and he makes sure I KNOW that he does.  It's in everything he does for and says to me every single day.  I never in a million years would have thought I would run into a man like him the way I did, just out of no where.  I especially never would have thought that HE would be interested in, let alone fall in love with, ME.  He is my everything and I can't imagine ever being without him.  I am totally, unbelievably, uncontrollably, helplessly, hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Tom Martin. 

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Annoyed with myself

Got some stuff going on with my little life lately that makes me both annoyed with myself and annoyed with a couple of other (actually several other) people.  Why do people constantly feel the need to talk to someone who is in a relationship?  Can't they just have conversations that don't include sex or dreams about each other?  Why do they need to throw out little flirtations and crap, feeling the other person out for a sign of reciprocated feelings?  I don't understand this line of rationality at all.  I'm annoyed with myself because I let it get to me when I see it happening, or when I think I see it happening.  Maybe I am too sensitive - well, yeah, I AM too sensitive, but I've gone through it before with my ex-husband, so I'm a little more cautious with my trust these days.  Some things that are said/typed and are perfectly innocent to a normal person send me off in a near panic attack, suddenly not able to breathe, field of vision closing in, chest pounding almost audibly.  I bring it on myself though, because I constantly NEED to know.  Why can't I just stop?  When will I learn that ignorance truly IS bliss and leave things alone?