Saturday, January 21, 2017

Odd thing happened to me last week....

So, I'm working in my cooler, as I usually try to stay in there to keep my sanity, and my husband comes in and tells me that my former best friend is in the store with her mother and was asking about me.  Now, my first thought was, I'm not leaving this cooler until I know she is gone.  And indeed, I didn't leave it until I had to clock out to go home.  Of course, this also happened to be on a day that we desperately needed some groceries and cat food, so leaving the store immediately was not an option.  That left me open and vulnerable to any unwanted awkward social experiences.  My husband got irritated with me, which made it worse for me.  It's not that I was afraid to talk to her, she's not a tornado or lightning, so there's no fear there.  I was confused about my feelings, to be honest.  I was looking over my shoulder the entire time, until we got into our vehicle and drove home.  I tried to keep my composure, and managed to get everything put away before I made a bee-line for my bedroom.  My husband, sweet as he can be, was baffled by my behavior, and apologized for getting grumpy with me in the store.  And then I broke down.  He asked what was wrong, and I couldn't form an answer.  Finally, I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling.  Then it hit me.  I was feeling ANGER.  Red-hot ANGER.  I didn't want to see her or be exposed to her, because I was angry with her. 

I know, in my heart, that she didn't ask about me because SHE wanted to, but rather because her MOTHER most likely told her she should.  You see, her mother is a devout Catholic, just an unbelievably kind soul, and she is the one who loves to shop at Walmart and those other "slummin'" stores, so that's the reason they were even IN the store in the first place.  And it was probably her mother that said to her, "Oh honey, how is Deanna?" and my former chum had no idea how to answer.  They probably vowed to pray for me. 

So, where does the anger come from?  Well, I've thought long and hard about it.  I tried to explain it this way.  I feel that if I was on my death bed, she'd be by my side until I died, giving me all the attention I needed over the years, packed into whatever short time I had left.  I've seen that happen.  A mutual friend of ours passed away a few years ago, thanks to cancer.  A beautiful soul taken much too soon, someone who gave and gave and gave... did for others ALL the time, and never got the same back.  She also had a best friend that dumped her for "better".  And that former bestie suddenly had all the time in the world for her - when her life was fading.  Where was she though, for all those years that our mutual friend needed her in other times?  How could someone throw away a friend like an old tea cup, only to suddenly see it again and try to use it once it becomes a novelty or antique? 

Oddly enough, my former best friend threw me away for our mutual lovely friend's former bestie.  Now those two are BFFs. 

So, in my mind, it only stands to reason that I have to be literally on my death bed for my FBFF to notice me again, and therein lies the anger.  It's not that she cares again, but more that she probably feels guilty and/or hopes the doting and attention will get her a one-way ticket through the Pearly Gates.

I'd love to be proven wrong, but... history, ya know?

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Motivation, lack of it, too much of it....

Mind, make up your... well, MIND already!

I am constantly in a state of flux, where I cannot get motivated, when just 5 minutes prior, I was ready and rarin' to go.  I find myself  obsessing about doing things, then when I decide to do said things, I just sit there or stand there and stare and can't bring myself to DO those things.  And if I do manage to get started on them, I run out of supplies, steam, whatever, and end up with yet another half-done project, chore, what-have-you.  I lay awake at night now, and my mind is running like crazy with ideas and things to do, yet I never get anything done.

So there I sit, perusing Facebook for cat videos, or in today's case, Halloween prop photos from my haunter friends.... for inspiration and maybe a kick in the behind for some motivation.  I know I'm also using the fact that my husband is taking a nap since he got home from work at 2 am, so I want to be quiet - but I have several things I could be doing rather than being quiet. 

I'm hoping that by sitting down here in front of my laptop, and blogging for a bit and getting some things out while they're floating in my head, that I will feel some relief from the crazy nonsense building in my head and just go out there and do SOMETHING, even if it's washing a dish or taking the garbage out.  Something is better than the NOTHING that I've been doing today.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Changing and Friends

My husband recently ran into an old friend of mine at work.  He said she was very gracious, and said kind things about me, but she thinks religion is why we are no longer friends.  She and I used to be best friends, but I drifted away from her with my many life changes.  I changed, and she changed, and many times friendships suffer with those changes.  My kneejerk reaction was to send her a lengthy message explaining that she was dead wrong about what caused me to delete her from my social media friends list, which I did quietly this year after reflecting on how I felt every time she posted anything.  Instead, I slept on it.  The next day I felt that nothing was going to be said to her.  She can think what she wants, whatever makes it easier for her to digest or tell other people, and helps her sleep at night.

I find it incredibly interesting though, that this friend of mine, my former BEST friend, obviously never really knew me at all.  One of the few things we disagreed upon was indeed religion, but I never thought we couldn't be friends because of it.  We discussed it openly many times, and I thought she understood my standpoint and that I understood hers.  I can't tell you how many nights, after many drinks, she would try to "save" me by trying to sway my belief.  She didn't want to go to Heaven knowing I wouldn't be there too.  I understood her love, and why she would want me to be there with her in this Kingdom of light and happiness.  I never tried to belittle her belief, or make her feel like she was wrong.  It's how she was raised, I respect that.  I still, to this day, don't understand why she could not respect how I felt on the subject.  I was not raised to be religious in any form or fashion, but rather to think for myself and believe what I needed to believe.  Religion was not forced down our throats.  I don't believe in imposing my will on other people, including my children, but I will not tell anyone that they are wrong for believing in what they were taught their whole lives.

So now, she is much more conscious of her lifestyle, or so she says, and living a more God-fearing life.  No drinking, or crazy all night parties, pretty much everything that brought us together and kept us together through many years.  I stopped drinking like that several years before she did, and I didn't need God to help me with it, but I wasn't so far gone either.  I'm glad that she is doing better, taking more control of her life, and I still love her.

What finally drove the last nail in the coffin of our friendship?  Me.  I needed a friend who would listen to me when I need her, not try to out-do me with the pity party.  My problems were never as big as hers, and she tried to make me feel better by going on about hers. I just needed my friend to LISTEN to me.  Not try to fix it by bringing her husband into the conversation.  I needed her to LISTEN.  When I felt she just didn't understand that, I stopped coming around, stopped trying to keep the friendship alive.  That was my last true female friendship, and I let it die because I felt she was never there when I needed her, but I was always there when she would call me at midnight needing me in one of her drunken tirades.  She wasn't truly there when I needed her the most, and I don't often reach out to anyone, so it really hurt when I was left feeling worse than before talking to her, or being put off for her other friend.  I needed her once so badly and I called her, but a bicycle ride was more important and she told me to call her later.  I didn't speak to her for months.

 I got tired of hearing the same crap, "Oh, I miss you, we need to get together"... I resented hearing my children tell me that a mutual friend posted photos of my ex-husband at her house, hanging out with them, but he won't bother to call his own children anymore - and she and I live in the same neighborhood.  I understand being friends with him, that's fine.  But to have someone lie to my face saying she doesn't really talk to him anymore, and hear my daughters tell me they saw photo proof that he was at their home several times, well, I have no use for that.  I don't need to constantly see photos post on social media of her and her new "bestie", the woman who took my place in her new pious life. I don't want to see photos of her with the woman who used to be my children's "older sister", who has pretty much latched on to my old friend, and has her new little "siblings" to spend her time with, while my youngest sits at home, alone because everyone who used to matter has deserted her.

Am I jealous that my friend is well off and has everything she could possibly want, or that she's moved on to a new friend?  Nope, I never have been.  She has demons that I don't have with all that goodness, and she used to take it all for granted.  I used to think she was pretty damned stupid with the way she lived her life, given everything she has.  So, I am happy for her now, that she has found herself and she seems happy.

I've learned that I am different now.  I have changed.  I've made mistakes, and I'm learning to live with them.  Parts of me are better, parts are worse, but I'm still changing.  Sure, I miss our good times, but there will be other good times with other people.  Sometimes I feel bitterness, but then I think of the things I don't miss, and that bitterness turns to relief.   Sure, sometimes I need someone to talk to, and aside from my husband, I really don't have that any more.  One day, I might open myself up for female friendship again, or I may just stick with being "one of the guys".  Either way, life goes on and I'll be okay.


Wednesday, May 11, 2016

It's been a while...

Been through lots of ups and downs over the past few years, some bad stuff, lots of good stuff.  Brandon joined the Marines and is currently a Corporal in Okinawa.  Taylor moved up to Maine in November of last year.  Emily is still a precocious and sassy kid, but growing into a beautiful young woman quickly.  Tom and I have finally learned what it is to be a solid couple, making it through some pretty stupid crap, but coming out stronger on the other side.  More changes are looming on the horizon, hopefully for the better.

I'm learning to make better choices with everything nowadays, especially where my health is concerned.  Today marks day one of what I want to be the beginning of a better me.  Eating better, exercising, drinking more water.... less stress and more joy. 

Wish me luck on my journey!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Mascara: Truth in advertising?

Okay, so I decided I wanted to try out this new mascara that Maybelline is pushing called "the Falsies, Volum' Express Hydrofuge" after seeing all the commercials with the models and their long beautiful lashes.  Now, mind you, I already have very long lashes - I've been asked if I wear false lashes on many occasions, and my lashes tend to brush against my sunglasses with no mascara on, so I don't need to make them longer.  They're not incredibly thick and they are very light on the tips, but they are pretty decent as far as lashes go.  (Though if there is a magic cure to make them perfectly even and not off-kilter, I'd like to know!)  Anyway, I decided I'd put this new wonder-mascara to the test, along with another new product, Revlon's "Grow Luscious" line, and compare it with my staples and a long-time favorite of so many women I know, Maybelline's "Great Lash".  This is my photo comparison of each one, on my lashes with no other make-up and a description of each one's pros and cons.


Pictured below is my eye with no mascara on at all.  Lashes are very light and not very exciting:


First up, a trusted classic that a lot of us have used since our teen years:  Maybelline's "Great Lash".  Ladies, you know this one, it's the one in the pink tube.  ;-)  This is a non-waterproof mascara that goes on very smooth with a simple small, straight, brush.  Easy to apply, easy to take off, and with 2 coats, you can have some killer lashes.  It's also one of the least expensive mascaras on the market.  It doesn't flake or clump.  The only drawback to using this one is the fact that it does wear off pretty easily.  Photo below:
Next up, is Revlon's "3D Extreme" waterproof mascara.  I was not impressed with this one.  It clumped from the start, was a bitch to get off and during wear, it "pilled up" and got into my eyes.  It didn't make my lashes appear thick, nor give a 3D look.  Yeah, Revlon, these were an extreme fail.  No pros.  Photo below:
Third in line is CoverGirl's "Professional" mascara.  This is another tried and true product that has been around a long time and is a staple in my arsenal of beauty products.  It's pretty much awesome, like the Great Lash line, but the drawback (at least for me) is the curved brush.  It has a tendency to clump on the very tips of my lashes, but just lightly touching them with my fingertips before they dry takes any excess off and relieves the clump issue.  Photo below:




On to another CoverGirl favorite, "Volume Exact" Waterproof.  Love this one as well, except that for a waterproof version, it does wear off too easily during the day.  I love the brush too, it's a straight brush with bristles that aren't like regular bristles, so you don't get the clumping.  Photo below (sorry, forgot to use the flash on this one so it's natural light):
Now for the fun part.  While buying the "Falsies" mascara, I decided to try another one as well, Revlon's "Grow Luscious" line.  I'll be using this one daily to see if there really is a difference in the overall thickness of my lashes over time.  As far as mascaras go, it's good and thick, as many of the newer ones are, but the brush is waaaaay too big to put it on easily, especially on lower lashes.  It went on smoothly, but even with the straight brush, the size of the thing was like trying to use a paint roller in a shoe box.  Photo below:
And last, but not least:  Maybelline's "the Falsies".  I gotta tell ya, they did make my lashes look like I had falsies on - but only after 3 layers of it and with the advantage of having longer than average lashes already.  ;-)  The brush makes it hard to get on too, it's larger than normal and curved with weird uneven bristles.  It clumps pretty bad too.  Not a mascara I would urge anyone to buy since you can get the same results with the much less expensive "Great Lash" mascara (you'd just have to reapply during wear).  Photo below is with only one coat:
I went ahead and threw on some of my normal make-up, so you can see what the mascaras look like with normal wear.  In the photo below, the eye on the right is with "the Falsies" on, and the eye on the left is the "Great Lash" mascara, each one with 2 coats.  (Don't mind the bloodshot eyes, it's been a long sleepless week and it's late at night when these are taken.)
 Yes, my eyelashes are just barely touching my eyebrows.  Don't hate.  ;-)  But also don't go out and buy "the Falsies" mascara either, it's not worth it. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Finally, someone took me on a picnic

I've always wanted to go on a picnic.  Just pack a basket lunch, maybe a bottle of wine, and take off to a park or somewhere where there's a decent view and a nice spot to sit and have lunch.  While Tom and I were watching TV one day last week, the subject of picnics came up and I mentioned my desire for one.  This past Sunday, he planned one for me.  He packed our lunch and a couple of refreshing beverages, and drove me to the place we had our first kiss.  We walked around one of my favorite cemeteries, then headed for a nice little park tucked away in Avondale and had a picnic, just the two of us.  The day out could not have been more perfect.  :)  Thank you, Tom, for always trying to give me everything I dream of.  I love you.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Feels good to say, "I have to work tomorrow"

So, 4 weeks ago, I got a call asking if I was interested in working at a paper company, packaging collegiate products for distribution.  The guy on the phone seemed like he didn't think I'd bother with coming in for this job, but I was desperate, so I told him I'd be there at 7 the next morning.  It's a shit job, but a paying job nonetheless, so I'm happy to have it.  I enjoy the actual work part of it, mind-numbing as it is, it keeps me occupied and I do enjoy tedious, monotonous work anyway.  What I don't enjoy is the woman who also is my boss in addition to her husband (the one who called).  She's a horrible person, at least at work.  We (the employees) aren't allowed to talk to each other, there's no garbage can at the break area and we are to take our garbage home to throw away, the bathrooms are disgustingly dirty, and she talks down to us like we are idiots constantly.  I find this incredibly odd, considering she makes more mistakes and stupid decisions than any of us.  I do not enjoy being around her at ALL.  Her husband, on the other hand, is a wonderful boss.  He's kind, funny, and a real pleasure to talk to.  He tells us we're doing a good job, and he thanks us for everything we do.  It is so strange to think that these two people are a married couple, when they are so very different. 

This job may or may not last for a while.  It was supposed to be a 6-8 week temporary gig, while a huge order for WalMart was filled, but it could turn into something that is more in line with my resume.  The husband has mentioned the need for help in his office in regard to organizing and taking some of his boring workload off of his back so he can concentrate on more important things, and asked if I was interested. He knows I am worth more than the usual people they get coming in for work there (and usually they don't even last a whole day after experiencing Cruella).  I am hoping for the best, and trying my very hardest to tolerate Cruella as long as it takes to get out of the production room and into the office.  I really want this opportunity to do something more within this company than sitting at a table stuffing pencils into a plastic bag.