Tuesday, June 20, 2023

Have I lost my mind?

 Maybe?  Or possibly I finally found it.

Today, I decided to sell my house.  I've lived in the same beautiful, affluent, gated community for 29 years.  My first husband and I closed on this house on the due date for my first child's birth, and moved during the next week after, and then one week after closing, I gave birth to our son.   I brought home all 3 of our children to this house, raised them all to adulthood in this house.  I've been through three husbands in this house.  I've worked 2 jobs and struggled to keep this house.  I filed bankruptcy to keep this house so that my kids never had to be moved out of the only home they had known.  

And now, the kids are all grown and in their own places, and the last husband is gone.  It's just me, the 2 dogs and the 6 cats.  I don't need a 4 bedroom home in a neighborhood that I don't enjoy any more.  It's too expensive to keep.  

I found a cute little cabin style home not toooo far away that has 10 acres and is beautiful.  That is where I want to be.  In the woods, with my animals, with no neighbors 20 feet away to wave at when I get my mail or try to avoid when I have to mow the grass.  I'll be able to see the stars, enjoy the quiet of nature, and be free of a mortgage.  

I contacted a realty agent about selling my home and contacted the agent for the other home with 10 acres to set up an appointment for a viewing for this weekend.

Yeah. I think it's time to move on and have that fresh start somewhere new.  I am ready.  

Friday, May 12, 2023

Stress, anxiety, and anniversaries

 So, as you could probably assume over  the past year, I have  had some stress and anxiety due to my husband of 10 years leaving me for whatever he left for.  I do not know or care what his REAL reasons are or were, I just know that it was what was best for him at the time and that it benefitted both of us in the end,  Financially, it really hurt me, not him.  For the first 7 years of our relationship, I carried the financial burden on top of the household and every other burden.  He worked and came home and played his games and I did all of everything else for him, my kids, and the household.  I worked, for a few years I worked 2 jobs, got almost no sleep, and did everything for everyone in the household and   got taken for granted for a very long time.  That is the past, and I don't particularly care to discuss that other than to lay ground work or give facts that happened during that time.  

The kids grew up, moved out and it was just he and I.  He got a better job, making almost 3 times what I made and I guess he didn't need me any more.  There was greener grass, and I do not blame him for gravitating toward it.  I always knew  it would happen.  I am happy for him, and I only wish the very best for him.  Am I resentful?  A tiny bit of me is, because I stood by him during our darkest and hardest  times, and when we made it through to the other side when there was nothing but us to worry about, he packed up and ran.  He didn't NEED me any more.  It, at the time, was a slap in the face.  I've come to terms with it, and I am thankful he left, because I never would have left  him.  As a result, I would have continued to  be unhappy even though I told myself I was happy then. 

Now, I am thriving, in spite of everything I have been through.  I HATE having a room mate because I need one to  keep my house and still have money to live. Don't get me wrong, my roommate is a good one, I just am MUCH happier living alone.   I am in a good place with my job, which I never  would be in because I didn't allow  myself to be  promoted while I was with him.  I have made new friends and reconnected with old friends that I couldn't before because of jealousy that was not warranted.  I am finally living life, regardless of the circumstances and I am thriving because of that.  I am grateful.

Last November, my first husband asked me to a comedy show and I said what the hell and I went.  Since then, we have hung out together many times- even went on a short cruise-  had some really good conversations, a lot of fun, and reconnected really well as friends.  We spent almost 20 years as strangers, so this was a bit of a welcome surprise and quite unexpected for me.

Today, we had dinner  and spent the evening just hanging out and talking.  Today, May 12, was the date of what would have been our 33rd anniversary if we were still married. I don't know if he had that in mind at all, and I didn't ask about it.  I did at one point say "happy anniversary" and honestly, I don't remember if  he responded.  All I know is that I am happy to have him back as my friend, because I never stopped loving him even though I ended our marriage because of what I needed back then, and I am  glad to have him back in my life, even as only a friend.  

I am happy.  Anxious, yes.  Stressed over money sometimes, yes.  But happy with my life NOW, yes.  I have gone outside of my comfort zone, and I am doing different things and experiencing things in a new light.  Am I scared?  Nope.  I am looking forward to every single challenge that will be thrown my way, because I am weakless.

Wednesday, May 10, 2023

So, how have you been, Deanna?

 In February of last year, I was suicidal.  I let one person - or the lack of one person - bring me to my knees in a way that I have never let anyone before.  My world was crumbling.  I gave this one person too much power, too strong of a hold on me.  I loved this person more than I loved myself, and that love almost destroyed me.  I felt worthless, unloved, and broken.  I sat by myself in the dark, holding a bottle of pills to my chest for many days and nights.  I stopped eating, was severely dehydrated, and physically weak. I struggled to hide my intense sadness and longing.  I suddenly felt how I imagine Gollum when he lost his "Precious".  I felt incomplete.

My grown children saved me from drowning in my misery and were my greatest support during those very dark days.

One day, I woke up out of my own madness and found a profound sense of clarity.  I've known all along my worth as a woman and as a partner.  The only thing I had been lacking was a love for MYSELF.  The revelation was quite electric in my mind.  It's like waking up from a deep, troubled sleep to the most beautiful morning sunrise and realizing that my past few months were nothing but a horrible recurring dream.  

I began to work on loving myself.  I learn to respect myself.  I vowed to NEVER let anyone else make me feel "less than" ever again.  I dove head-first into growing into a human being that radiates everything that I find wonderful in other people.  Positivity, love, passion, playfulness, and kindness are all traits that I want to possess and exude.  I don't want to be perfect; I want to be inexcusably ME.  My life up until that point had been spent in dwelling on the negative, steeping in jealousy, mistrust, hatred, and lack for far too long, and it has been utterly exhausting.

I am no longer choosing anyone else over myself.  I choose ME and my own happiness.  I do not need another person to complete me.  I am a whole and complete person on my own.  I have learned a great deal over the past year, and the old version of me is gone.  She is but a memory that I will not forget, but rather give thanks to, for she opened the door to my newfound view on my life and how I want to live it.

I have forgiven others for wrongs I perceived against me.  More importantly, I have forgiven myself.  I have let go of the past.  I have learned from my mistakes, and I have moved on.  While I still love that person who left, I have learned that letting go of that old relationship that was not serving either one of us has released me into a wild and untamed new world where I can create my own reality and be my own true self.  I am free for the first time in my entire 52 years of living.  This freedom has given me the opportunity to learn new things, go to new places, meet new people, forge new friendships, rekindle lost friendships, tackle new challenges, and pursue new passions.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone like never before, and it is exhilarating.  

I live each day in the present, with gratitude, love, and mindfulness.  I am no longer angry, negative, hateful, or resentful.  I am, and will always be, a work in progress for the better.  I am radiant like the sun.  My life is absolutely wonderful.  I am happy, and this is only the beginning.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Odd thing happened to me last week....

So, I'm working in my cooler, as I usually try to stay in there to keep my sanity, and my husband comes in and tells me that my former best friend is in the store with her mother and was asking about me.  Now, my first thought was, I'm not leaving this cooler until I know she is gone.  And indeed, I didn't leave it until I had to clock out to go home.  Of course, this also happened to be on a day that we desperately needed some groceries and cat food, so leaving the store immediately was not an option.  That left me open and vulnerable to any unwanted awkward social experiences.  My husband got irritated with me, which made it worse for me.  It's not that I was afraid to talk to her, she's not a tornado or lightning, so there's no fear there.  I was confused about my feelings, to be honest.  I was looking over my shoulder the entire time, until we got into our vehicle and drove home.  I tried to keep my composure, and managed to get everything put away before I made a bee-line for my bedroom.  My husband, sweet as he can be, was baffled by my behavior, and apologized for getting grumpy with me in the store.  And then I broke down.  He asked what was wrong, and I couldn't form an answer.  Finally, I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling.  Then it hit me.  I was feeling ANGER.  Red-hot ANGER.  I didn't want to see her or be exposed to her, because I was angry with her. 

I know, in my heart, that she didn't ask about me because SHE wanted to, but rather because her MOTHER most likely told her she should.  You see, her mother is a devout Catholic, just an unbelievably kind soul, and she is the one who loves to shop at Walmart and those other "slummin'" stores, so that's the reason they were even IN the store in the first place.  And it was probably her mother that said to her, "Oh honey, how is Deanna?" and my former chum had no idea how to answer.  They probably vowed to pray for me. 

So, where does the anger come from?  Well, I've thought long and hard about it.  I tried to explain it this way.  I feel that if I was on my death bed, she'd be by my side until I died, giving me all the attention I needed over the years, packed into whatever short time I had left.  I've seen that happen.  A mutual friend of ours passed away a few years ago, thanks to cancer.  A beautiful soul taken much too soon, someone who gave and gave and gave... did for others ALL the time, and never got the same back.  She also had a best friend that dumped her for "better".  And that former bestie suddenly had all the time in the world for her - when her life was fading.  Where was she though, for all those years that our mutual friend needed her in other times?  How could someone throw away a friend like an old tea cup, only to suddenly see it again and try to use it once it becomes a novelty or antique? 

Oddly enough, my former best friend threw me away for our mutual lovely friend's former bestie.  Now those two are BFFs. 

So, in my mind, it only stands to reason that I have to be literally on my death bed for my FBFF to notice me again, and therein lies the anger.  It's not that she cares again, but more that she probably feels guilty and/or hopes the doting and attention will get her a one-way ticket through the Pearly Gates.

I'd love to be proven wrong, but... history, ya know?

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Motivation, lack of it, too much of it....

Mind, make up your... well, MIND already!

I am constantly in a state of flux, where I cannot get motivated, when just 5 minutes prior, I was ready and rarin' to go.  I find myself  obsessing about doing things, then when I decide to do said things, I just sit there or stand there and stare and can't bring myself to DO those things.  And if I do manage to get started on them, I run out of supplies, steam, whatever, and end up with yet another half-done project, chore, what-have-you.  I lay awake at night now, and my mind is running like crazy with ideas and things to do, yet I never get anything done.

So there I sit, perusing Facebook for cat videos, or in today's case, Halloween prop photos from my haunter friends.... for inspiration and maybe a kick in the behind for some motivation.  I know I'm also using the fact that my husband is taking a nap since he got home from work at 2 am, so I want to be quiet - but I have several things I could be doing rather than being quiet. 

I'm hoping that by sitting down here in front of my laptop, and blogging for a bit and getting some things out while they're floating in my head, that I will feel some relief from the crazy nonsense building in my head and just go out there and do SOMETHING, even if it's washing a dish or taking the garbage out.  Something is better than the NOTHING that I've been doing today.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Changing and Friends

My husband recently ran into an old friend of mine at work.  He said she was very gracious, and said kind things about me, but she thinks religion is why we are no longer friends.  She and I used to be best friends, but I drifted away from her with my many life changes.  I changed, and she changed, and many times friendships suffer with those changes.  My kneejerk reaction was to send her a lengthy message explaining that she was dead wrong about what caused me to delete her from my social media friends list, which I did quietly this year after reflecting on how I felt every time she posted anything.  Instead, I slept on it.  The next day I felt that nothing was going to be said to her.  She can think what she wants, whatever makes it easier for her to digest or tell other people, and helps her sleep at night.

I find it incredibly interesting though, that this friend of mine, my former BEST friend, obviously never really knew me at all.  One of the few things we disagreed upon was indeed religion, but I never thought we couldn't be friends because of it.  We discussed it openly many times, and I thought she understood my standpoint and that I understood hers.  I can't tell you how many nights, after many drinks, she would try to "save" me by trying to sway my belief.  She didn't want to go to Heaven knowing I wouldn't be there too.  I understood her love, and why she would want me to be there with her in this Kingdom of light and happiness.  I never tried to belittle her belief, or make her feel like she was wrong.  It's how she was raised, I respect that.  I still, to this day, don't understand why she could not respect how I felt on the subject.  I was not raised to be religious in any form or fashion, but rather to think for myself and believe what I needed to believe.  Religion was not forced down our throats.  I don't believe in imposing my will on other people, including my children, but I will not tell anyone that they are wrong for believing in what they were taught their whole lives.

So now, she is much more conscious of her lifestyle, or so she says, and living a more God-fearing life.  No drinking, or crazy all night parties, pretty much everything that brought us together and kept us together through many years.  I stopped drinking like that several years before she did, and I didn't need God to help me with it, but I wasn't so far gone either.  I'm glad that she is doing better, taking more control of her life, and I still love her.

What finally drove the last nail in the coffin of our friendship?  Me.  I needed a friend who would listen to me when I need her, not try to out-do me with the pity party.  My problems were never as big as hers, and she tried to make me feel better by going on about hers. I just needed my friend to LISTEN to me.  Not try to fix it by bringing her husband into the conversation.  I needed her to LISTEN.  When I felt she just didn't understand that, I stopped coming around, stopped trying to keep the friendship alive.  That was my last true female friendship, and I let it die because I felt she was never there when I needed her, but I was always there when she would call me at midnight needing me in one of her drunken tirades.  She wasn't truly there when I needed her the most, and I don't often reach out to anyone, so it really hurt when I was left feeling worse than before talking to her, or being put off for her other friend.  I needed her once so badly and I called her, but a bicycle ride was more important and she told me to call her later.  I didn't speak to her for months.

 I got tired of hearing the same crap, "Oh, I miss you, we need to get together"... I resented hearing my children tell me that a mutual friend posted photos of my ex-husband at her house, hanging out with them, but he won't bother to call his own children anymore - and she and I live in the same neighborhood.  I understand being friends with him, that's fine.  But to have someone lie to my face saying she doesn't really talk to him anymore, and hear my daughters tell me they saw photo proof that he was at their home several times, well, I have no use for that.  I don't need to constantly see photos post on social media of her and her new "bestie", the woman who took my place in her new pious life. I don't want to see photos of her with the woman who used to be my children's "older sister", who has pretty much latched on to my old friend, and has her new little "siblings" to spend her time with, while my youngest sits at home, alone because everyone who used to matter has deserted her.

Am I jealous that my friend is well off and has everything she could possibly want, or that she's moved on to a new friend?  Nope, I never have been.  She has demons that I don't have with all that goodness, and she used to take it all for granted.  I used to think she was pretty damned stupid with the way she lived her life, given everything she has.  So, I am happy for her now, that she has found herself and she seems happy.

I've learned that I am different now.  I have changed.  I've made mistakes, and I'm learning to live with them.  Parts of me are better, parts are worse, but I'm still changing.  Sure, I miss our good times, but there will be other good times with other people.  Sometimes I feel bitterness, but then I think of the things I don't miss, and that bitterness turns to relief.   Sure, sometimes I need someone to talk to, and aside from my husband, I really don't have that any more.  One day, I might open myself up for female friendship again, or I may just stick with being "one of the guys".  Either way, life goes on and I'll be okay.


Wednesday, May 11, 2016

It's been a while...

Been through lots of ups and downs over the past few years, some bad stuff, lots of good stuff.  Brandon joined the Marines and is currently a Corporal in Okinawa.  Taylor moved up to Maine in November of last year.  Emily is still a precocious and sassy kid, but growing into a beautiful young woman quickly.  Tom and I have finally learned what it is to be a solid couple, making it through some pretty stupid crap, but coming out stronger on the other side.  More changes are looming on the horizon, hopefully for the better.

I'm learning to make better choices with everything nowadays, especially where my health is concerned.  Today marks day one of what I want to be the beginning of a better me.  Eating better, exercising, drinking more water.... less stress and more joy. 

Wish me luck on my journey!