Lonely VS Alone, Single at 55

 So, I get this question often - "Why are you still single, don't you get lonely?"

The short answer to that is "NO".  I do not get lonely.  You know, we often get "lonely" and "alone" confused.  They are two completely different states.  I am alone, by choice.  I actually prefer solitude.  I get more than enough human interaction at my workplace.  It's loud, bright, and full of people that like to talk.  While I do enjoy conversations with people, and I like to be social with a select group, I much prefer the quiet peacefulness of my home environment.  It takes me several days to recuperate from social activities outside of work, and on work days, all I want to do is sit with my own thoughts and my own company.  (Well, aside from the companionship of my animal friends.)

The only loneliness I have ever really, truly experienced has been sitting two feet away from someone I loved, and feeling miles apart or even invisible.  I've felt lonely when in the company of friends and family that immerse themselves in their phones instead of engaging in conversation with the person sat with  them.  I've ended a close friendship or two over that very issue.

After being married, having kids, living in the suburbs with neighbors and friend groups, and working, I am tired of being "on" all of the time.  When my kids were little, our house was THE place where they all hung out.  Our cul-de-sac was THE place the moms and kids hung out.  Having friends "by-default" of significant others and being the one to play hostess to them all, or to be the one to actually cultivate those friendships on the sig-other's behalf was incredibly taxing.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time with the guys, but I had a reason back then.  I don't now.  And I'm happy.

I always loved the rare times when the husband would go out of town or be at work and kids were at school, and I would get some alone time.  Now, I get that time whenever I want it.  Granted, my youngest daughter lives with me, but she is always out there living her best life, so it's ALMOST like I live alone.  When my last husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore, he gave me the greatest gift of FREEDOM.  After almost 52 years of being chained to someone else in some fashion, whether it be being a child of my parents, to a wife, and then a parent of my children, I finally had freedom.  

I believe often times, we get into relationships too quickly, and then get stuck in them because they are comfortable, even though the red flags are just waving right in our faces.  I chose not to get into that situation again.  Part of healing is learning to enjoy your OWN company.

Do I get lonely?  NO.  If I get the urge to have some socialization, I go hang out with my dad, or my kids - or with their dad, who I consider a true, good friend.  Mostly, I just like to be alone.  I don't want to build relationships with anyone else, I have plenty enough now.  I do not need a man in my life to complete me.  I am whole on my own.  

Birdwatching - I Guess I'm Officially OLD

 

Well, I guess I'm officially old.  Isn't birdwatching an "old folks" thing?  

I sit on my dock, and I watch the birds.  I sit on my porch, and I watch the birds.  Even when I'm driving or sitting outside on my break at work, I'm still watching the birds.  I feed the birds.  I listen to the birds.

If I'm outside and someone else is with me and I see or hear a bird, I'm like, "Oh look, there's a red-shouldered hawk!"  Or, "Oh, that sounds like a Carolina wren!"  And then there's my favorite, the little factoids I like to throw around, such as "Did you know that crows remember faces and hold grudges, and can even pass those grudges down through generations?"

I sit on my dock for HOURS with my old Sony a100 DSLR camera and try to catch that "perfect shot"... of birds!  I'm even researching new, better compatible lenses for my nineteen-year-old camera so that I can capture better distance photos of the fishing birds, such as the osprey, American bald eagles, belted kingfishers and the egrets and herons while they are in action.  I have more photos of BIRDS from the past two years on my phone and computer than all of the other photos COMBINED.

I downloaded an app on my phone to help identify birds by their calls and songs or by photo, so that I can tell the difference between all of the birds that I come across.

*By the way, if you are also interested in birds, you can get the MerlinID app for your phone and identify the birds in your environment too.  MerlinID is easy to use, and is totally FREE to use, though they do run on donations like most educational apps, but that is completely up to you.

SO many birds!  Living on this lake has brought me so much joy in the simple pleasures in my life.  The peaceful solitude of just sitting in nature and enjoying my avian neighbors is what I consider a "good time" these days.

Branching out of the comfort zone

 So, this evening, I took a very, very rare opportunity to get out of my comfort zone.  I was invited to dinner by the father of my children, which I totally accepted, because I enjoy his company and beer and oysters.  But after he left the restaurant, I went back to the bar and sat down and ordered a beer and some grouper bites, just to have some "me time".  

And then two ladies came in and sat a couple of chairs away from me.  My mind suddenly needed some conversation, so I asked them if I could scoot down and chat with them. They said, "of course, come on!"  So I then scootched over and began a conversation.  Turns out they were sisters, one of which had the same short nickname of "Dee" as I do.  We talked for a while, and I totally fell in love with them, in a "girrrrrl, I love y'all" kind of way.

Now I have a new restaurant that I am going to try,  because one of them owns it, and I left feeling really happy that my brain suddenly felt the need for some connection.  

It was a good day, and an even better evening.  

This whole week, I have been getting back to what helped me get through Tom leaving me, and I have missed that version of myself.  I have missed jumping into doing things that are outside of my comfort zone.  I have missed manifesting things in my life.  I have missed the positivity and basic love for everyone.  I have missed the "me" that I found  three years ago, but lost again once I had that first roommate.  She is coming back, though, and it's about damned time.