Lonely VS Alone, Single at 55

 So, I get this question often - "Why are you still single, don't you get lonely?"

The short answer to that is "NO".  I do not get lonely.  You know, we often get "lonely" and "alone" confused.  They are two completely different states.  I am alone, by choice.  I actually prefer solitude.  I get more than enough human interaction at my workplace.  It's loud, bright, and full of people that like to talk.  While I do enjoy conversations with people, and I like to be social with a select group, I much prefer the quiet peacefulness of my home environment.  It takes me several days to recuperate from social activities outside of work, and on work days, all I want to do is sit with my own thoughts and my own company.  (Well, aside from the companionship of my animal friends.)

The only loneliness I have ever really, truly experienced has been sitting two feet away from someone I loved, and feeling miles apart or even invisible.  I've felt lonely when in the company of friends and family that immerse themselves in their phones instead of engaging in conversation with the person sat with  them.  I've ended a close friendship or two over that very issue.

After being married, having kids, living in the suburbs with neighbors and friend groups, and working, I am tired of being "on" all of the time.  When my kids were little, our house was THE place where they all hung out.  Our cul-de-sac was THE place the moms and kids hung out.  Having friends "by-default" of significant others and being the one to play hostess to them all, or to be the one to actually cultivate those friendships on the sig-other's behalf was incredibly taxing.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time with the guys, but I had a reason back then.  I don't now.  And I'm happy.

I always loved the rare times when the husband would go out of town or be at work and kids were at school, and I would get some alone time.  Now, I get that time whenever I want it.  Granted, my youngest daughter lives with me, but she is always out there living her best life, so it's ALMOST like I live alone.  When my last husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore, he gave me the greatest gift of FREEDOM.  After almost 52 years of being chained to someone else in some fashion, whether it be being a child of my parents, to a wife, and then a parent of my children, I finally had freedom.  

I believe often times, we get into relationships too quickly, and then get stuck in them because they are comfortable, even though the red flags are just waving right in our faces.  I chose not to get into that situation again.  Part of healing is learning to enjoy your OWN company.

Do I get lonely?  NO.  If I get the urge to have some socialization, I go hang out with my dad, or my kids - or with their dad, who I consider a true, good friend.  Mostly, I just like to be alone.  I don't want to build relationships with anyone else, I have plenty enough now.  I do not need a man in my life to complete me.  I am whole on my own.  

Birdwatching - I Guess I'm Officially OLD

 

Well, I guess I'm officially old.  Isn't birdwatching an "old folks" thing?  

I sit on my dock, and I watch the birds.  I sit on my porch, and I watch the birds.  Even when I'm driving or sitting outside on my break at work, I'm still watching the birds.  I feed the birds.  I listen to the birds.

If I'm outside and someone else is with me and I see or hear a bird, I'm like, "Oh look, there's a red-shouldered hawk!"  Or, "Oh, that sounds like a Carolina wren!"  And then there's my favorite, the little factoids I like to throw around, such as "Did you know that crows remember faces and hold grudges, and can even pass those grudges down through generations?"

I sit on my dock for HOURS with my old Sony a100 DSLR camera and try to catch that "perfect shot"... of birds!  I'm even researching new, better compatible lenses for my nineteen-year-old camera so that I can capture better distance photos of the fishing birds, such as the osprey, American bald eagles, belted kingfishers and the egrets and herons while they are in action.  I have more photos of BIRDS from the past two years on my phone and computer than all of the other photos COMBINED.

I downloaded an app on my phone to help identify birds by their calls and songs or by photo, so that I can tell the difference between all of the birds that I come across.

*By the way, if you are also interested in birds, you can get the MerlinID app for your phone and identify the birds in your environment too.  MerlinID is easy to use, and is totally FREE to use, though they do run on donations like most educational apps, but that is completely up to you.

SO many birds!  Living on this lake has brought me so much joy in the simple pleasures in my life.  The peaceful solitude of just sitting in nature and enjoying my avian neighbors is what I consider a "good time" these days.

Branching out of the comfort zone

 So, this evening, I took a very, very rare opportunity to get out of my comfort zone.  I was invited to dinner by the father of my children, which I totally accepted, because I enjoy his company and beer and oysters.  But after he left the restaurant, I went back to the bar and sat down and ordered a beer and some grouper bites, just to have some "me time".  

And then two ladies came in and sat a couple of chairs away from me.  My mind suddenly needed some conversation, so I asked them if I could scoot down and chat with them. They said, "of course, come on!"  So I then scootched over and began a conversation.  Turns out they were sisters, one of which had the same short nickname of "Dee" as I do.  We talked for a while, and I totally fell in love with them, in a "girrrrrl, I love y'all" kind of way.

Now I have a new restaurant that I am going to try,  because one of them owns it, and I left feeling really happy that my brain suddenly felt the need for some connection.  

It was a good day, and an even better evening.  

This whole week, I have been getting back to what helped me get through Tom leaving me, and I have missed that version of myself.  I have missed jumping into doing things that are outside of my comfort zone.  I have missed manifesting things in my life.  I have missed the positivity and basic love for everyone.  I have missed the "me" that I found  three years ago, but lost again once I had that first roommate.  She is coming back, though, and it's about damned time.

The Move

 I made the big decision in June 2023 to sell my house of 29 years.  Normally, I get these impulsive ideas and obsess over them for a couple of weeks, but never follow through because of the uncertainty and work involved in them.  

Not this time.  I DID it.  I sold my home and bought a fixer-upper in the country on a lake.  Not the original one I wanted with 10 acres, but a bigger one that is actually lakefront and just over an acre and a half.  It has been quite an undertaking, to say the least.  This house needs a LOT of work, most of which we couldn't see during walk-throughs and inspection.  

To be, or not to be.... single

 Being alone for a couple of years now has taught me many things. I always knew I could make it on my own. I don't need a man in my life. Even when I did have a man, I did everything on my own, so it's not much of a change for me.

Now I believe I could be ready for a relationship, but do I really want one? Hard question to answer, honestly. I like my alone time. I like being able to talk to whomever I want, to hang out with whomever I want and to not have to deal with anyone at all if I so choose.  

I don't want a perfect Rom-com relationship. I want a healthy relationship. One that doesn't leave me feeling lonely when I'm sitting right next to my partner. A relationship that doesn't leave me wondering if I matter, if I am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or just plain enough. I want someone with whom I can share experiences, dreams, feelings and quiet moments. Someone who likes to go do stuff with me, and also is fine with sitting on the couch watching TV. I don't care about money, looks, sexual prowess, or stuff he has. I just want someone that treats me well.

Most guys I've dealt with over the past couple of years want to jump in the sack immediately, but I am no booty call. There have been many younger men, some older men, men of all types and races. Some have had ways of talking that I can't get past, some have had manners, or a lack of, that I don't care to be around for extended periods of time. Some have been good friends that had potential, but don't pass the red flag tests. Some don't respect my boundaries, or believe they can talk to me however they want to like they are some sex gods, thinking that I enjoy constant sexual references and lewd comments. My sense of humor is pretty raunchy, but if someone wants to seriously be in a relationship with me, bringing up sex in a vulgar way is not the way to get me to want him more. It has the exact opposite effect. While I don't easily get offended, I do find it's a huge turn-off for me.

I express my vulnerability very openly in long conversations, what I like and don't like, and am honest about my feelings. Some people get it, and some don't. I'm tired of explaining myself to guys that refuse to actually listen. There are some that claim "love" in one sentence and then turn around and completely blaspheme the word with the garbage that comes out in the next sentence. I love easily, but I refuse to give my heart to someone that makes me feel guilty for sharing my thoughts honestly.

I gave too much before, I put my heart in someone's hand, and it was crushed with no thought at all, like an egg under a rock. I have learned to protect my heart. It is hidden away, behind bars deep in the dungeons of my being. Someone out there must have the key, but I don't know who he is, or if I even want to know.

Have I lost my mind?

 Maybe?  Or possibly I finally found it.

Today, I decided to sell my house.  I've lived in the same beautiful, affluent, gated community for 29 years.  My first husband and I closed on this house on the due date for my first child's birth, and moved during the next week after, and then one week after closing, I gave birth to our son.   I brought home all 3 of our children to this house, raised them all to adulthood in this house.  I've been through three husbands in this house.  I've worked 2 jobs and struggled to keep this house.  I filed bankruptcy to keep this house so that my kids never had to be moved out of the only home they had known.  

And now, the kids are all grown and in their own places, and the last husband is gone.  It's just me, the 2 dogs and the 6 cats.  I don't need a 4 bedroom home in a neighborhood that I don't enjoy any more.  It's too expensive to keep.  

I found a cute little cabin style home not toooo far away that has 10 acres and is beautiful.  That is where I want to be.  In the woods, with my animals, with no neighbors 20 feet away to wave at when I get my mail or try to avoid when I have to mow the grass.  I'll be able to see the stars, enjoy the quiet of nature, and be free of a mortgage.  

I contacted a realty agent about selling my home and contacted the agent for the other home with 10 acres to set up an appointment for a viewing for this weekend.

Yeah. I think it's time to move on and have that fresh start somewhere new.  I am ready.  

Stress, anxiety, and anniversaries

 So, as you could probably assume over  the past year, I have  had some stress and anxiety due to my husband of 10 years leaving me for whatever he left for.  I do not know or care what his REAL reasons are or were, I just know that it was what was best for him at the time and that it benefitted both of us in the end,  Financially, it really hurt me, not him.  For the first 7 years of our relationship, I carried the financial burden on top of the household and every other burden.  He worked and came home and played his games and I did all of everything else for him, my kids, and the household.  I worked, for a few years I worked 2 jobs, got almost no sleep, and did everything for everyone in the household and   got taken for granted for a very long time.  That is the past, and I don't particularly care to discuss that other than to lay ground work or give facts that happened during that time.  

The kids grew up, moved out and it was just he and I.  He got a better job, making almost 3 times what I made and I guess he didn't need me any more.  There was greener grass, and I do not blame him for gravitating toward it.  I always knew  it would happen.  I am happy for him, and I only wish the very best for him.  Am I resentful?  A tiny bit of me is, because I stood by him during our darkest and hardest  times, and when we made it through to the other side when there was nothing but us to worry about, he packed up and ran.  He didn't NEED me any more.  It, at the time, was a slap in the face.  I've come to terms with it, and I am thankful he left, because I never would have left  him.  As a result, I would have continued to  be unhappy even though I told myself I was happy then. 

Now, I am thriving, in spite of everything I have been through.  I HATE having a room mate because I need one to  keep my house and still have money to live. Don't get me wrong, my roommate is a good one, I just am MUCH happier living alone.   I am in a good place with my job, which I never  would be in because I didn't allow  myself to be  promoted while I was with him.  I have made new friends and reconnected with old friends that I couldn't before because of jealousy that was not warranted.  I am finally living life, regardless of the circumstances and I am thriving because of that.  I am grateful.

Last November, my first husband asked me to a comedy show and I said what the hell and I went.  Since then, we have hung out together many times- even went on a short cruise-  had some really good conversations, a lot of fun, and reconnected really well as friends.  We spent almost 20 years as strangers, so this was a bit of a welcome surprise and quite unexpected for me.

Today, we had dinner  and spent the evening just hanging out and talking.  Today, May 12, was the date of what would have been our 33rd anniversary if we were still married. I don't know if he had that in mind at all, and I didn't ask about it.  I did at one point say "happy anniversary" and honestly, I don't remember if  he responded.  All I know is that I am happy to have him back as my friend, because I never stopped loving him even though I ended our marriage because of what I needed back then, and I am  glad to have him back in my life, even as only a friend.  

I am happy.  Anxious, yes.  Stressed over money sometimes, yes.  But happy with my life NOW, yes.  I have gone outside of my comfort zone, and I am doing different things and experiencing things in a new light.  Am I scared?  Nope.  I am looking forward to every single challenge that will be thrown my way, because I am weakless.