So, how have you been, Deanna?

 In February of last year, I was suicidal.  I let one person - or the lack of one person - bring me to my knees in a way that I have never let anyone before.  My world was crumbling.  I gave this one person too much power, too strong of a hold on me.  I loved this person more than I loved myself, and that love almost destroyed me.  I felt worthless, unloved, and broken.  I sat by myself in the dark, holding a bottle of pills to my chest for many days and nights.  I stopped eating, was severely dehydrated, and physically weak. I struggled to hide my intense sadness and longing.  I suddenly felt how I imagine Gollum when he lost his "Precious".  I felt incomplete.

My grown children saved me from drowning in my misery and were my greatest support during those very dark days.

One day, I woke up out of my own madness and found a profound sense of clarity.  I've known all along my worth as a woman and as a partner.  The only thing I had been lacking was a love for MYSELF.  The revelation was quite electric in my mind.  It's like waking up from a deep, troubled sleep to the most beautiful morning sunrise and realizing that my past few months were nothing but a horrible recurring dream.  

I began to work on loving myself.  I learn to respect myself.  I vowed to NEVER let anyone else make me feel "less than" ever again.  I dove head-first into growing into a human being that radiates everything that I find wonderful in other people.  Positivity, love, passion, playfulness, and kindness are all traits that I want to possess and exude.  I don't want to be perfect; I want to be inexcusably ME.  My life up until that point had been spent in dwelling on the negative, steeping in jealousy, mistrust, hatred, and lack for far too long, and it has been utterly exhausting.

I am no longer choosing anyone else over myself.  I choose ME and my own happiness.  I do not need another person to complete me.  I am a whole and complete person on my own.  I have learned a great deal over the past year, and the old version of me is gone.  She is but a memory that I will not forget, but rather give thanks to, for she opened the door to my newfound view on my life and how I want to live it.

I have forgiven others for wrongs I perceived against me.  More importantly, I have forgiven myself.  I have let go of the past.  I have learned from my mistakes, and I have moved on.  While I still love that person who left, I have learned that letting go of that old relationship that was not serving either one of us has released me into a wild and untamed new world where I can create my own reality and be my own true self.  I am free for the first time in my entire 52 years of living.  This freedom has given me the opportunity to learn new things, go to new places, meet new people, forge new friendships, rekindle lost friendships, tackle new challenges, and pursue new passions.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone like never before, and it is exhilarating.  

I live each day in the present, with gratitude, love, and mindfulness.  I am no longer angry, negative, hateful, or resentful.  I am, and will always be, a work in progress for the better.  I am radiant like the sun.  My life is absolutely wonderful.  I am happy, and this is only the beginning.