*sigh*

I am really just about ready to throw in the towel.  Nothing is going right, nothing I say or do is right.  All I want is a big rock to hide under for the rest of my life.

Again I say it....... Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

I really need to snap out of this weird funk I'm in.  I'm feeling just plain worthless and insecure, and it's not cool.  Ended the worknight last night with a horrible sinus headhache and just feeling drained.  A few people at work have been sick, so I think I may have picked up something this past week.  This is right on par though for this time of year, when I am under the gun to get everything done for Halloween.  So, not feeling well, I pretty much did nothing today except catch up on  Survivor, Ghost Hunters and watched The Proposal with Tom on the couch, then slept the rest of the day.  I got NOTHING done.  Now, it's almost 8:30 pm and time to get ready for work.  Thankfully, it's my "Friday", so I have 3 days and 2 nights to get a lot of stuff accomplished.  I did manage to get almost all the invites taken care of yesterday, most by FB messages, then the neighborhood ones by "Emily delivery".

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

The title just about sums it up.

I have spent most of my life living it pretty much one day at a time.  These days, I really am living it one hour at a time, maybe even minute by minute.  I waste so much time doing NOTHING at all.  I spend a good deal of time trying to find things to waste my time on.  I waste a lot of time worrying about stuff that I know I shouldn't worry about.  I spend a lot of time being angry about things I know I should not be angry about. I don't really bother making plans, because I know by the time the plans come around, I will have lost interest or just not feel like it, whatever "it" is.  I feel like I'm just lost in some sort of rut that I can't climb out of, no matter how much I want out of it, and it's all my own doing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly happy most of the time.  I just have moments where I realize just how much time I waste.

I really feel the loss of precious time during the month of October, as the days are crossed off the calendar way too quickly and the end of the month draws near.  I have boxes and boxes of Halloween stuff strewn all over my house that have been sitting here for a week.  I did manage to get through several of them with Tom's help, and I am really very thankful that he kind of gives me a little push and has helped me get some of it done - especially the gossamer which takes the most effort and time to do.  In October, the "it" is the annual party.  I vowed last year to NOT do the party this  year, and to take it easy.  Crazy me decided that this year is so different in so many ways, that maybe I SHOULD do the party, only smaller, simpler.  It's still a huge undertaking getting it all ready, even with help.

I spent a lot of time the past couple of weeks doing nothing (like just surfing Facebook) and watching TV (stuff I've seen over and over again) and even took up playing WoW (because I want to have something else to do with Tom).  Tom is a big reason I spend so little time getting things done, but it makes me happy to just sit next to him and do whatever it is that is keeping me from chores, hobbies, etc, and spending time by his side is NOT a waste of time to me.  I love to be with him, no matter what we're doing.

Now my weekend is almost over and I don't have a whole lot to show for having 2 nights off and especially for being on opposite sleep schedules as Tom.  My invitations for the party aren't done yet (but I'm working on them now - they're almost done- 10 days before the party).  I don't even know what my costume will be for the party.  But here I sit, on the computer, wasting more time, looking at Facebook profiles, occasionally walking around the house in circles, and eating peanut M&Ms... all the while patiently waiting for Tom to wake up.  Unfortunately, soon I will need to go to sleep too, so I can be a little rested for work tonight. 

So again, I  say "GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"  So much to do, so little time to do it, and so little motivation to do anything at all.  Gah.

A New Day - YES, even at 4:45 PM

I've decided today, just right this very moment, that today IS a new day.  Today is a good day to make the changes that I need to make to get back to the old Deanna, the Deanna that was fun and happy and enjoyed life.  I've been sitting on the sidelines for way too long the past couple of years and I'm SICK of it.  I have a wonderful man in my life now, and I should not spend so much time feeling like the whole world is on my shoulders.  I want everyone around me to be happy, and it can't be any good for everyone that I love to see me always frowning or lost in my own sad and decaying thoughts.  I've been so down and moody and I know it's been hard on my family, especially Tom.  He worries about me, and he worries that he is the one causing my internalized issues, but he is the complete opposite of a problem for me.  He is the reason that I smile, he's the reason I laugh and enjoy anything these days.  If it weren't for him, I would truly be lost and miserable.  He's my rock, my lighthouse in the storm, my light at the end of the tunnel... he is everything positive that I need right now.  I am thankful every single second of every single day for him, and I hope that he believes me when I say that.  I don't ever want there to be doubt between us, not for the tiniest moment.  I want to be everything in a woman that he wants and needs, and none of the junk he doesn't like or doesn't find attractive.  I want there to be a close bond between us that is unbreakable, no matter what comes along.

I need to start looking at everything in my life with a more positive view, to stop seeing the negative in every little thing.  I always try to help other people think positive, why not help myself for once?  Tonight, I will go to work and do everything I can to make it a GOOD night at work and not automatically hate being there before we even drive into the parking lot.  I CAN do this, I know I can.  Maybe if I am in a good mood, it will rub off on other people too.  I want to smile and laugh again and enjoy what I do.

So, with my newfound need to be myself again, I am going for a run.  It makes me happy, it clears my mind and helps me work through things that weigh heavy on me.  Plus I need to lose those extra 10 pounds that came back over the past few months.  :) 

Because I still don't think he believes me...

I'm gonna list the things about Tom that make him PERFECT in my eyes. 

He's smart.  Really smart.

He's funny.  I LOVE his sense of humor.  He makes me laugh, like, all the time. He likes to see me smile, and he can make it happen almost effortlessly.

He's sweet.  He is like the human version of a milk-chocolate Lindt Truffle... just perfectly sweet.

He's HOT.  VERY hot.  Smokin' HOT. 

He's tall.  I LOVE tall.

He's strong... I love that he can pick me up and throw me onto the bed.  I love to watch him work, especially when I can see the muscles in his arms flex.  I love that when he puts his arms around me, I feel safe.

He's not skinny.  I don't like skinny dudes.  I like my men to be MANLY, and he is definitely manly.

He has a beard.  I love facial hair on a man.  I love his hairy chest too.  I like the way it tickles my nose when I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat.

He has an evil streak in him... sort of like the one I have.  I like that we are both inside each other's heads when it comes to our evil thoughts. 

I love the way he laughs - especially when he's being bad, the way he drops his head down and his shoulders shake like he's trying to hold it in. 

He's willing to cook for me.  He's not afraid to learn to cook - this is a very desirable quality in a man these days!

He has amazingly broad shoulders.  I have always loved broad shoulders... another physical attribute that means strength to me. 

His eyes twinkle.....  seriously!  They do!  He gets this look in his eyes sometimes, and I swear you can see them twinkle, like stars.... especially when he gives me that look - the one where he raises his eyebrow and does that slight smile - OMG... he makes my heart skip a beat every single time he looks at me like that.

He kisses me.... often.  He hugs me...... often.  He holds me tight when we fall asleep together.  He holds my hand, puts his hand on my leg, or puts his arm around  me.... he's not afraid or incapable of showing or receiving affection.  I can't be within arms' reach of him without touching him in some way - being close to him is like a drug to me.  I cannot get enough.  I want his skin to touch my skin, it just makes me FEEL good, always.

He does everything he can to make me happy, whether it's buying me chocolate and beer, or just putting away his laptop and snuggling on the couch with me. 

He reads to me.  This is one of the sexiest things I think a man can do for a woman that doesn't actually involve sex.

Speaking of sex (yeah, I'm going there) - he is everything I have ever dreamed of or wanted.

He likes my obsession with Halloween and even encourages it.  :)

He helps me when I need it, cleaning, yard work, reaching the top shelf, heavy lifting....  and he doesn't make me wait or beg for that help.

He's great with my kids.  They like him and think he's funny, and that means a lot to me.

He's a fantastic father to his own daughter.  Seeing him really play with her for the first time brought a tear to my eye because I could see how much he loves and misses her.  He calls her almost every single day, not many Dads do that.

He sings and dances.  I love it when he sings to me, I love his voice.  I love it when he's being ridiculous and dancing and being goofy.

He wants to be around me.  He wants me to ride with him when he goes places.  We're together almost all the time, and I've never wanted to be around one person so much in my life.

He likes the same music that I do (with the exception of country) and the same kinds of movies (mostly) and books... and TV shows.  It's nice to be able to share all this stuff, instead of watching/listening alone all the time.

He's thoughtful and caring.  He goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy.  He thinks of me when he is picking up lunch,  he asks me what I want to drink when we're sitting down to eat.  He cares about what I think or feel and doesn't tell me I'm wrong for it.  He holds me when I need  to be held, and listens to me when I need to talk (though he usually has to drag things out of me).  He almost ALWAYS knows, too, when something is wrong - even when I say there isn't.  That drives me nuts, but it really is a good thing since it eventually forces me to come clean.  He tries his best to help me with everything that's bothering me, whether it's in my head, I'm sick, or whatever.  He is thoughtful when it comes to other people too... like when we get lunch at work from BK, and he asks if my sister wants anything.

He doesn't make or expect me to do things I don't want to. 

He plays with my hair.  :)  I love that!

He has a great ass.  Seriously, it's reaaaaally nice.  Great legs too... I'm a sucker for a pair of long, muscular legs.  His arms are great too... I really love to feel his forearms when he flexes them - OMG... HAWT!

He tells me I'm beautiful, even though I don't think I am.  He always compliments me, even when I look like total crap.

He's handsome.  I love his smile,  I love his nose, I love his eyes, I love his hair, I love everything about his face.  I sometimes just watch his lips when he talks, thinking that all I want to do is feel them on mine, kissing each other.  He has GREAT lips. 

He is definitely the best kisser I've ever had the pleasure of coming in contact with.  Every kiss is perfect with him, from the short, quick ones to the long, sensual ones. 

He's RIDICULOUS.  He is constantly being a dork - and I LOVE it! 

He likes my best friend - and ENCOURAGES me to spend time with her.  (AND he doesn't get mad if we drink too much!)

I could go on and on about every little thing that  makes him perfect in my eyes.  The most important thing about his perfection is that he loves me, and he makes sure I KNOW that he does.  It's in everything he does for and says to me every single day.  I never in a million years would have thought I would run into a man like him the way I did, just out of no where.  I especially never would have thought that HE would be interested in, let alone fall in love with, ME.  He is my everything and I can't imagine ever being without him.  I am totally, unbelievably, uncontrollably, helplessly, hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Tom Martin. 

Annoyed with myself

Got some stuff going on with my little life lately that makes me both annoyed with myself and annoyed with a couple of other (actually several other) people.  Why do people constantly feel the need to talk to someone who is in a relationship?  Can't they just have conversations that don't include sex or dreams about each other?  Why do they need to throw out little flirtations and crap, feeling the other person out for a sign of reciprocated feelings?  I don't understand this line of rationality at all.  I'm annoyed with myself because I let it get to me when I see it happening, or when I think I see it happening.  Maybe I am too sensitive - well, yeah, I AM too sensitive, but I've gone through it before with my ex-husband, so I'm a little more cautious with my trust these days.  Some things that are said/typed and are perfectly innocent to a normal person send me off in a near panic attack, suddenly not able to breathe, field of vision closing in, chest pounding almost audibly.  I bring it on myself though, because I constantly NEED to know.  Why can't I just stop?  When will I learn that ignorance truly IS bliss and leave things alone?

"You're so good to meeeee, baby...baaaabyyyyyy"

I was just listening to some music on my computer, enjoying a nice cold LandShark that Tom got me and the song "Hot", by Avril Levigne came on.  It totally reminds me of Tom.  :)  I love him, and he IS so good to me.  I mean, seriously, he bought me LANDSHARK!  And he got me Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream this morning before leaving work. The man is a real gem, and I'm thankful EVERY single day for him.

We now return you to your normal Sunday afternoon schedule.

Gelflings, Skeksis, and Mystics, oh my!

So, Tom and I were sitting on the bench at a break at work, just watching people walk by, and one of the temp maintenance guys passed by.  We both remarked on how he walks, like someone is pushing his shoulders forward and I said it reminded me of the peaceful creatures (Mystics) from The Dark Crystal.  Tom then asked how sad it was that he owns the movie, but has never seen it.  (Oddly enough, it came out the year he was born.)  I replied that we should watch it when we got home from work since that (watching a movie) is usually our routine after checking our Facebooks and stuff on the computer.  So we did.

I had forgotten how unbelievable cheesey that movie is.  At the time, back in '82, it was a WONDERFUL movie, very innovative with the imagination and puppetry from the great Jim Henson.  Unfortunately, we are so spoiled in this generation of high-tech movie-making, that watching one of my favorite movies was (I think) a let-down for Tom.  He fell asleep.  :-)  I, on the other had, enjoyed it, even though I was annoyed with how ghey Jen was.  I never really noticed that back in the day.  I still love those darned Skeksis and their vulture-like countenances, especially the RIDICULOUS Chamberlain SkekSil and  his crazy "Mmmm-MMM-mmmm" sounds.  (My mom and I still occasionally make this noise when around each other and being silly.)  I love the Mystics and their low hum-thing that they do.  I really love the loud and boisterous Aughra (who reminds me of someone, an older actress... Grace Zabriskie - you might recognize her from TheGrudge as Emma , but Aughra also reminds me of Master Yoda with the way she talks).  Anyway... yeah, I enjoyed watching the movie.

More checkmarks on my "to-do" list!

I have had the same "to-do" list for a while now.  I finally made some time this past weekend and got a few of them marked off. 

Emily's room has been in a horrible state of confusion and disarray for months now.  I got a nice all-wood entertainment shelving unit from a fellow Freecycler last year, and I wanted to clean it up and finish it since it was bare wood and dirty from the previous owner's young boys.  Unfortunately, I made the mistake of putting it in Emily's room just to get it out of the garage because I wasn't ready to work on it yet, and it hence became a catch-all for her stuff, and apparently a clean canvas for her writing and artwork (she wrote and drew all over the place on it).  Since the last hamster died (it has been a horrible year for pets at our house) and we no longer need the 2 cages in her room, I cleared off took the shelving unit out of her room and moved it to the garage.  Then I commenced cleaning her room, organizing her 3946703476 Littlest Pet Shop toys and accessories and 94603497 Barbie toys and accessories and other assorted toys and trinkets in to categories and separate bins.  I went through most of her clothes, bagged up the ones that didn't fit any more and set them aside for the Goodwill trip.  I stripped her bed, washed all her linens, cleaned out her school backpack (yeah, a month and a half after school let out), and vacuumed everything.  The next morning (YES, it took me ALL DAY to do the major cleaning), I steam-cleaned her carpet, remade her bed, and then headed to the garage to tackle the shelves.  I sanded it up and applied a couple of coats of clear polyurethane to it and finished it up in about an hour.  Really kinda made me feel like a turd for not doing it sooner.  It looks SO much better!  Next day, after it was fully dried and ready for use, I put it back in her room and put all her nice neat little bins and books and stuff back on it, nice and tidy.  Her room is spotless and the way it SHOULD be once again.  If only for a little while.... but she hasn't even slept in there all night yet!

Anyway, those are some of the things checked off my list of stuff to do.  Of course, in true Deanna fashion, cleaning her room led to my cleaning the laundry room because of the dryer working so slowly... lint was clogging it up so badly that nothing would dry and I'm surprised the house didn't burn down.  I clean out the inside of the lint trap and dryer vent at least once a year, usually twice if I can remember, so it was weird that it had so much in it.  Anyway, that room was another check on my list.

The bad part is, that I spent almost all of my "weekend" away from work working at home on chores.  But it felt good to get something accomplished, so I guess it's okay.  :)

Jeeperz Creeperz

My cat, Jeeperz, was the BEST cat EVER.  I never pushed her away from me, never had to get on to her for being bad (except when I had to take small baby animals from her), never got angry with her.  She was just the sweetest little tuxedo cat.  She was tiny, barely six pounds.  Her little tail was not even half as long as a normal cat tail and she was born with it that way, it even had a little crook in it.  She was the runt of the litter - the last of the kittens and no one else wanted her until Ivy brought her for me to see.  I fell in love with her immediately and said we'd add her to our family.  She gave us some scares when she bled so badly from the smallest of cuts (she was a bleeder) and she was a risk taker with her running across the driveway when we'd drive up.  But she was so funny when she was get frisky and dart through the house like a wildcat and try to hide behind the curtains from me like I couldn't see her.  Sometimes she would even chase me around the house.  She rolled on the floor and made an almost imperceptible meow at times, especially when I would sneeze.  Jeeperz was not a lap cat and didn't like to be held at all, but she would purr all the same when I would pick her up and scratch her head.  Every once in a while, she'd crawl under the sheet with me in bed and sleep down by my feet, especially when I was not feeling well. 

Jeeperz died the other day when she tried to make it under the garage door while it was closing.  I never even knew she was there until several hours later.  I blame myself, I should have checked to see if she was still outside before I put the door down, especially since a storm was coming.  The shoulda-coulda-wouldas are useless now and she is gone.  She will never leave my heart though.  I love that cat.

To look for a new job or not to look for a new job....

So, lately I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know I probably need to get a second job to catch up on everything.... but there's a couple of new things in my head that make me think I should ditch my current job (which I LOVE) and get a job during the day, so I can be home at night with the kids.  Part of me thinks this won't make much of a difference since I can't control the kids ALL the time anyway, and it's mainly my teenager that is the one that is making me rethink my hours with some of the things I suspect of him, but still...

There's a lingering feeling that maybe it's time to give up doing what I enjoy doing and bite the bullet and do something that has me working regular hours for a bit better pay (but will most assuredly be something I HATE doing, like office work).  I am really, REALLY torn on what to do here.  This is the first job I've had that I didn't want to call in sick all the time for, that I don't dread going in every night to, and that I have lasted for longer than a year at (working with Lee doesn't count).  If I could work in a non-customer filled area, and keep moving most of the time lifting and manually working during the daytime, I'd be perfectly happy working somewhere else.  It's hard to find a job though that fits the bill that I've created.  I guess I'm just not destined to be happy either way.

Hangin' with my BFF

Had a positively awesome time with my BFF of about 11 years and her family yesterday.  We hung out, played some pool volleyball, had some burgers and brews and just had FUN.  I have missed having FUN for so long now... Shelly and I used to hang out all the time, and we always had a good time.  Things got screwy for a while during my second marriage and she and I drifted apart (I won't go into all that) but we're back to the way things are supposed to be now and I couldn't be happier about it.  I'm especially thankful that Tom and Shelly get along very well and that I don't have to worry about being in the middle of the sour feelings that I was in the previous relationship. I missed her, I missed her family, and I missed being around them.  It was hard to go from seeing them all at least once a week for an afternoon, to going months without even talking.  I'm just glad the darker days are behind us and we're back to being "right" again.  :)

Another one of the small things that makes me happy....

....about Tom.  (Yeah yeah, but I can't help it!)  Some things just strike me as something to put here; things that put a smile on my face or make me think a bit, and this is one of them.

Tom gets up and helps me pick up around the house.  Yesterday, I decided it was time to do a sweep around the house, and while I was washing up some dishes in the kitchen, Tom walked around the house, picking up stuff and putting it away for me. If he was unsure of where something went or who it belongs to, he asks, but he got the majority of the assorted stuff that littered the floor and tables to where it all belongs.  I didn't ask him to, he didn't ask me if I needed help - he just did it.  I just don't understand why other people can't do that every once in a while.- just HELP instead of watching or asking the rhetorical question of whether or not I need help.  Of course I don't NEED help.  But sometimes, it's nice to have someone else step up and just jump in when they see me cleaning around the house.  Tom is good about pitching in without my having to ask him to, and I appreciate it more than he knows.  It's one of the many things that sets him apart from every other man I've ever encountered in my life and one of the reasons I fall deeper in love with him every single day.

Things that make me happy about being with Tom....

I'll try not to get too mushy, but I can't keep myself from completely gushing when it comes to Tom.

Last week, Tom and I were at the store, and as he was parking, he pulled all the way through the parking space into the next one so that he didn't have to back out of the space when it was time to leave.  Now, to most people, this is probably an insignificant thing, something that most people don't think about at all when picking a parking space.  To me, however, this is something that just makes sense.  It always annoys me to be in the passenger seat with someone who doesn't think to pull all the way forward when there's not a vehicle in the space opposite the one you initially pull into.  I realize the best way to remedy this annoyance is to be the one driving at all times, but sometimes certain occasions dictate my being a passenger.  It just seems like the smart choice, to pull all the way through when there's no other car in the way, negating the need to back out of the parking space, thus lessening the chance of some idiot getting in the way when you're trying to get out of the space and having to look over both shoulders.  (This doesn't apply to large grocery buying trips that require the back end of the vehicle to be left unhindered by the front end of another car though.  I can't get to the lift gate of the Suburban if some soccer mom's mini van front end is parked directly behind me.)  Anyway, as I was saying, Tom pulled all the way through.  I remember the first time he did that when we were at the mall... I almost cried.  He looked at me like I had two heads when I told him why I was smiling at him the way I was.  It's the little things that make me happy, and that is one of those simple little things.  Yeah, I'm weird, I know this already.

Tom knows how I like my coffee - AND he makes it for me.  Again, something really simple, yet amazingly effective in making me  happy.  He knows the right amounts of sugar and creamer that I like, and he doesn't hesitate to stir me up a cup.  To me, this is one of the sweetest gestures that anyone has ever made for me.  One morning, I came home from work, and he had a pot of it brewed up and a steaming hot mug of coffee ready for me as soon as I walked in the door.  Again, tears welled up in my eyes from this simple action from him.  Yes, a dork, I know I am.

He told me to stay put when I needed a napkin and he got up to get one for me.  Now, seriously, I can get up and get my own napkin... but he wanted to do it for me.  How freakin' sweet is that?  He gets up and lets my cat Jeeperz in and out of the house when he hears her meowing at the door, so I don't have to get up.  When we have pizza, he goes to the kitchen and gets me that third slice (even though I don't need it, but really want it).  He fixes me whatever beverage I want... the man even goes to the garage to get me a beer when it seems like a good beer time, even though he doesn't drink it himself.  It's been a long time since someone has done that for me.  He knows my favorite beer and my favorite chocolate.  These are all little things that he does that just make my heart do a little skip and I sigh and think how lucky I am.

He lays in my  hammock with me.  Nobody except my girls has ever gotten into the hammock with me.  Laying there in his arms in the sunshine is an amazing feeling.  I always wanted to share the hammock with someone who cares about me, now I do.  Add that to the perfectly perfect moments that make me unbelievably happy - and are all his doing. 

He likes and even suggests going to the local cemeteries, because he knows how much I love them.  He mills around them with me, and holds my hand while we walk.  He's even taken photos himself while we were at one.  THAT, my friends, makes me happy.  I love that he wants to be involved in the stuff that I enjoy.

He knows how much I love dragonflies..... and he took a few minutes one day while we were at the mall to leave the table while I was finishing up my Teriyaki Chicken to go scope out the closest jewelry stand... and had the guy there make a necklace pendant out of a belly button ring pendant, just because it was the only dragonfly piece of jewelry they had there and he thought I'd like it.  I had no clue what he was doing until we came back there later and he picked it up for me.  He was wrong, I didn't like it.  I LOVED it.  I haven't taken it off since he gave it to me.

He is always doing or saying things that make me smile.  The man is so sweet,  so thoughtful.... it really is just disgusting.  NO ONE should be that sweet; it's just unnatural, really it is.  I am so lucky.... I just can't believe how lucky I am to have him.  Thankful, I am.  In love, I am.  Happy, definitely, I am.

/sappy

;-)

But I don't wanna get out of bed.....

I spent most of the day yesterday in bed.  I was watching TV and I was freezing all day, so it seemed a perfect place to be... all warm and comfy.  I even ate pizza in bed.  Eventually, I fell asleep while waiting for Tom to come to bed.  I made myself get out of bed to go supervise Emily while she did her homework around 6 and to make sure she ate dinner, then I fell asleep on the couch again.  I woke a bit before 9, and crawled back into bed, where I managed to stay until 5:45 am this morning.  Normally, I only spend so much time in bed when I am sick.  Right now, I just don't want to deal with anything, so bed is my escape because nobody really bothers me when I am in there.  It's like being on "base" when you're playing tag and nobody can touch me, I'm "safe" in there.  I'm even safer when Tom is in there with me, with his arms around me.  It's like everything else just disappears and all's right with the world.  I just wish that feeling could stay with me when I walk out the bedroom door.

Baby, it's COLD outside!

So, I live in NE Florida.... and it can get kinda cold here during the winter months (yeah, can you believe THAT?  We get winter here sometimes!)  and it's been freakin' cold for waaaaaaaaaaaay too long.  We've been consistently getting frost for a few days again, and it was like this for a couple of weeks last month too.  Most of our nights have been below 40, some below 30 since the beginning of January.  Now, I don't know about y'all, but I live in Florida for a reason - NO COLD!!!!  (Okay, well, two reasons, I was born here and don't want to leave.)  I love the heat, I love the sun, I love being outside in the warmth and being able to wear flip-flops and shorts.  I HATE having to wear a jacket and socks with my shoes.  I'm sick of this weather!  These days, it seems since I lost about 30 pounds, I don't have that nice fluffy layer of insulation to keep me warm, so I'm constantly cold.  Right now, my feet are like ice cubes.  I'm tired of not being able to go for my jogs because the cold air and wind makes my eyes water, thus making my nose run, and then it's hard to breathe right while running.  I want to work out in the yard, plant some flowers, mow the grass, see some GREEN again!  I hate walking my daughter to the bus stop and it being only 37° outside.  I just don't like it.  I'd settle for high 60s for temps right now even... I can lay in my hammock in the sun in high 60s and be comfortable and happy.  Yeah, that's what I'm wishing for this week.... high 60s, sun and time in the hammock.  Y'all can keep Old Man Winter up North... we only want him down here for that Red and Green holiday so we can wear the obligatory holiday sweater without sweating to death.  :-P

Tom

Some of you are wondering, who the hell is Tom?  Tom is my love, the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my chocolate... you get my drift.  How did this happen?  Well, I'll paraphrase a little bit of how I told someone else: 

The first time I saw Tom, I was instantly attracted to him, despite the fact that I did not want to be.  I was walking with one of the weirdos at work, Andrew "The Nose", and we were talking about some of the recipes we liked (Andrew used to work at a bakery) and Tom was walking with another co-worker and friend, Miguel, behind us and Miguel was picking on Andrew pretty hard, saying things like "She's married, Andrew" and "She's not interested in you, Andrew" and "No means NO, Andrew".... and I turned and smiled at them.  Later after we'd already confessed how we felt about each other, Tom said when he saw me smile that night, he knew he wanted to learn more about me.  I'll be honest, I was ready to quit that store before I met Tom.  I'd transferred there almost a week prior and HATED it, and he'd been on vacation and I didn't meet him until he came back.  I kept hearing him, over in the frozen section, doing a Captain Planet imitation... and every time I heard him say "By your powers combined"... I found myself smiling and wanting to hear it again.

After hanging out with Tom (and the rest of the guys) for a couple of days at breaks and lunches, I learned that Tom was witty and brilliant, and a little evil.  He has this quiet and unassuming ridiculousness about him, most people think he's the good one out of the dynamic duo of him and Miguel.  He's like that little devil that sits on your shoulder, whispering in your ear, but looks like the angel on the other shoulder.  I loved watching him laugh, the way he'd drop his head and his shoulders would shake.  Later, I'd find myself constantly looking down toward the end of my aisle, just in case he passed by.  He always looked my way and did that thing with his eyebrows, where he tried to look intimidating by raising one of them and looking all serious...... it always made me smile.  I even liked just watching him walk past, the way he kind of loped along pulling a pallet jack.  Never noticed these things about anyone else before.  Never cared to.  I think I even made a comment or two about him to my sister Babs about him, probably about his shoulders or something.  He has really broad shoulders, and is really tall... plus he has a beard, all physical things that I find extremely attractive in a man. 

A couple of weeks later, I had a customer come in and hit me with a really bad come-on line. He smelled like B.O. and booze, and was a creepy little dude who reminded me a bit of a mix between Popeye and Red Skelton. He came up to me and took my hand like he was going to shake it and said to me, "Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?" I said, "Ummm... noooo...", and he says to me "Just enough to break the ice", and he turns my hand and lifts it and kisses the back of it. Okay, THAT freaked me out and I quickly removed my hand from his and proceeded to excuse myself to get back to work.  Later, at our next break, I told Tom and the rest of the guys about this freakish little imp and his assault on my hand and then informed them that I needed a "WalMart Husband" so I can avoid these kinds of creeps or have them smashed to pieces.  Then I decided that Tom would be perfect for the role since he's the biggest out of all the guys and the most believable to be both mine AND a bad ass.  Not long after this, Tom found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request with this little gem of info in a message: "Average adult male 900 lbs. Average adult female 500 lbs.  That's how much polar bears weigh, in case you were wondering :P."  I will confess, I had been trying to see if he was on Facebook too, but I didn't know his last name, and there are a LOT of Toms on FB.  :)  Anyway, we got to know each other a lot better through chatting on FB, but knew nothing was going to happen because I was married.  I think I knew in the back of my head though, that being married to Andy was not something that was working out the way I had envisioned and that it had been coming slowly to an end for over a year at that point.

The Halloween party was when I realized I was starting to feel serious feelings for him.  He spent the entire night feeling concerned about me, making sure I was okay, especially when Andy seemed so unconcerned and didn't even notice that most of the night I was near or holding back tears.  (I had some health issues going on at the time.) That is when things started to hit me really hard.  Why is this guy so damned worried about me?

I made the choice to be with Tom, when all I could think about was him.  When I knew I was in love with him, I knew in my heart, if not my head yet, there was no other option for me.  He makes me laugh, like ALL the time.  He doesn't like to see me without a smile on my face.  He does everything he can to make sure I have one. There are so many things that I find attractive about him - he's freakishly smart, well-versed, well-read, affectionate and caring, helpful to a fault, he's extremely laid-back and even-tempered, doesn't let things get him worked up or angry very much. ... Yes, he is 12 years younger than I am, but he's not immature as some might think and I have never acted my age, I just never wanted to grow the hell up.  He and I have a lot more in common than one would think, everything ranging from music and books to clothing choices and food.  He's someone I can have a beer with or just snuggle on the couch with.  He is complimentary to me, and he balks when I disagree with him.  He is the one who never lets go, even when he knows I have to go.  When he knows I am upset or have something on my mind, when I shake my head if he asks what is wrong, he tells me that if I want to talk about it, I can and he will be there, but he doesn't press me.  He knows I will speak when I am ready, and not try to pull or force things out of me before I can form the words. Then he says something absolutely ridiculous and I end up laughing and forgetting whatever it was that I was upset about in the first place.  He wants to be around me ALL the time, he loves my quirky ways and strange hobbies.  He calls me a dork and loves that I am weird. He is just about everything I could have ever wanted in a man, and some things I didn't even know I wanted but really, really like.  There is not one thing about him that I would change... which is weird, because there were things I wanted to change about everyone else I've known.

I am in love with him, so much so that I feel like I can't even breathe when he is not with me.  I have never felt quite this strongly about anyone else before.  Sure, I was very taken with the other two men in my life, but not as powerfully as this.  Tom is so right for me, so perfect, that I can't even think of being without him.  I've never wanted to be with someone so much or to be around someone for as much as we are between work and home as I do with him.  Lovesick, you say?  Yes, yes I am.  Crazy in love?  Yes, absolutely.  I admit it, I am head over heels and I am damned happy.  Tom makes me happy.  Everyone sees it, and they see the difference in me when he is not around, especially at work.